Mu and the Chamber of Naruto! That came out wrong-
by Kitsune-Dama
Summary: "Hey Setsumei-Sensei, whatchya doooooing?" "Writing a story summary." "Why waste time on that?" "So that people actually take the time of day to read this garbage. Shouldn't you be eating your veggies and going to bed around now, anyway?" "But why work on something that no one is going to see, ever?" "... Bed." "'Scuse me?" "GO EAT YOUR BED!" "Don't you mean-" "I KNOW WHAT I MEAN!"
1. I don't think we're in Kyoto anymore-

**Alright, here's the newest story I promised you ungrateful brats, so sit down, shut up, and read it.**

 **Also, I'm s- hang on, I'm so-sor- oh god, this hurts to say; I'm so-so-sorry(I need some lighter fluid, a torch, and a new mouth-) if the fifth chapter seems kind of... Choppy, I finished it late at night and removed some content last minute and didn't really give it a thorough once over to see if it was good quality or not.**

 **And as always, visit The World of Bleach RPG, make an account, and PM me if you want in the story- or just PM me if you want to talk about the story, or anything really(As long as it isn't about dicks.). Enjoy the show!**

So Oracion just up and left me, high and dry, and she expects me to follow after her to the 'Promised Land'?

The fuck did I look like- Simba?

Looking at the door she left through closely, there didn't seem to be anything wrong with it(I wanted to know for sure I wouldn't be getting a sex change or something of the like anytime soon going through that thing-), just a plain grey metal door(if a bit rusty and dusty and busty- not really the last one, I just tried to make all the details rhyme.) with a strangely white door knob- but I was never one to take chances like that, so in the words of a wise man:

Fuck that shit, I'm out-

So it was with that in mind I looked to my immediate left and saw an almost identical door, with only the orangish yellow knob being the only difference. I shrugged and took a step towards that door.

When in doubt, go orange… ish yellow.

Closer to it, I took my time to inspect it further, turning my head to and fro(Not Afro though, because he's in a cast somewhere-) to see if I missed something about the door from before. Nothing seemed to be amiss, so I rapped my knuckle across it to see if it would fall over like the rest of the damn doors in this building.

Surprisingly enough, it didn't fall over onto my toe when I hit it(Don't ask how it would fall on my foot even though I hit it the other way- it just would when it came to me.), it just rattled a ton before silence.

Hm. Seemed safe enough to-

 _ **BANG!**_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" That was a manly battle cry- not a girly screech of terror!

No one told me the glorified glory hole would strike back! Thinking it was just the bitch in my head-" _ **Hey!"**_ \- playing tricks on me, I decided to try that again. Though this time I punched the door hard enough that it should have caused even the sturdiest of ones to go flying across the town.

That should shut it up and show it that it's only good for sticking my dick in-

 _ **BANG BANG BANG!**_

Okay, I obviously underestimated this things resolve to NOT get a penis stuck in it.

Or maybe just my penis, as years of experience have told me nothing ever wants my penis shoved in them-

" _H-Hello?"_

Holy shit, it could talk too(If a bit muffled-)! And it's first words weren't " _Don't stick that thing into me-"_ -

I knew I didn't wear pants today for a reason!

Humming, I placed my chin in my hand. Now that I wasn't entirely stupid(Or insane-) enough to try and stick my penis into the keyhole, I knew that the door wasn't talking. It was something from the other side that was speaking.

" _Are- Are you stuck in there?"_ I chose to remain silent as the person(Sounded like a female-) continued the conversation. " _I'm, not sure if there really is someone pounding back from my knocking- or if I'm just going insane-"_ Trust me, if you're worried about being insane from just thinking you're hearing things, well...

You didn't try to make a door an onahole-

" _But, I'd really like it if there was someone in there! I, I am so alone…"_ Raising my eyebrow, I was curious to see how this would go. " _My parents, no- my family, they don't really like me…. No one does. But, u-um, even if you aren't real, I'd like you to be my first real friend!"_ I felt bad for this chick-

Her first friend just tried to get her to suck his dick, after all.

Oh, and the fact she doesn't even know if I really exist or not, too. There's that also.

Though, I guess I could make a surprise entrance, just for he- " _ **Don't go there."**_ Right as my hand was about to touch the knob, sir bitch a lot came to the… Rescue? Why shouldn't I? " _ **I don't like the feeling of this door- or any of the others for that matter. The other door, however, we know is safe as that Hollow just went into it, and unless she herself decided to die, we know it's sa-"**_ Yeah- let me stop you right there. If you think a silly voice in my head that thinks she _KNOWS_ what's the best for me is going to stop me from making the moronic decision I know this is, you got another thing comin' for ya.

" _ **Fool! You're willing to kill yourself just because of something I did to you?!"**_ No- I was going to go even if you weren't here. I just having nothing left to lose after what you did to me.

Even I heard the wince she made after that one.

"Oh well, time to kill myself!" " _ **Wait-"**_ " _Wait, what?"_ And with that I touched the knob and opened the door-

To a blinding white light(AH! Natural light! It burns!)-

The last thing I saw before I passed out was a small female chi-

Oh dear god, I almost showed a kid my dick.

* * *

I woke up with a start(Ha! Not dead- take that bitch!).

Aw man, I was having the best dream about a blonde chick sucking my dick after I shoved it inside a-

Oh, right. Minor.

Standing up, I cricked my neck and looked around me.

It appeared I was in a forest of some kind, as there were trees(Albeit massive ones as high as the buildings in the Hoomahn world-) everywhere, looking lively and healthy, if the nice shade of dark green on the leaves were anything to go by, and the grass on the ground was also a good shade of green, with a sheen of dew on it, meaning it was around morning wherever I was. Behind me there was a pond, with a few plant life wrapping around the edges of it, and the sky was a beautiful shade of light blue, no clouds in sight(Not to me, though, as my perfect sort of sky had dark clouds, rain, and lightning everywhere!).

And then I noticed the child right next to me, apparently having taken care of me as I had lost consciousness(I didn't pass out- men don't pass out, we lose consciousness… Just like we don't cry, we weep-).

"Naruko, what are you doing out here in the Forest of Death?"

Hold up- the fuck did I know that?

Shaking my head while trying to steady myself at the sudden dizziness I had, I took notice she seemed as shocked as I was that I somehow knew her. She was small(Child, so yeah, of course she was-), maybe 4'6, with long blonde hair in two separate ponytails that reached down to her as- BUTT! I said butt! No jail bait for me, thanks- with sky blue eyes, and was in a baggy- DEAR GOD, BURN IT WITH FIRE- neon orange coat with a blue collar, over a black shirt, and then grey sweat pants on her bottom(Portion of her body- still no jail bait, thanks.), and blue sandals.

The thing starting to creep me out though, is that I knew what she usually wore already- and a bunch more facts about her I shouldn't know _just from looking at her_! Not to mention dozens upon dozens of more facts about everything in this world and some- _individual_.

"Um, are you the person that was locked in that door? And, uh, how do you know me?" She took me from my thoughts as I looked down at her, causing her eyes to widen and her to start shaking as she inched backwards.

Was I really that fugly?

And what was with me seeing things with such clarity- nothing ever looked this, well, high def, for a lack of a better term, in my eyes before now, so what changed? "Hey, I know I'm ugly lookin', but I ain't gonna hurt y-" "You- You have the same eye that those pricks with the ten foot poles up there asses have!" Woah, there-

I stick poles up people's asses, I didn't stick them up my own arse!

"Eye? What on earth are you-" I glanced to the side at the pond, and a flash of red caught my eye. Moving over to the water, I looked at my reflection and almost choked on my saliva.

My outfit had changed from before I had entered- My hair was the same red hair(Thank fuck- I don't know what I would do if something happened to my do!) but it now stuck up in the air far more than it used to(Though considering my hair used to lay flat on my head, that's not saying much.), and I had some gay sickly green vest(Which I immediately took off, and burned with a small Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu over the wat- THE FUCK IS A JUTSU?!), a long sleeved black shirt under it, a pair of grey fingerless gloves with metal plates on the knuckles(Okay, this is pretty awesome- I can punch people so hard they taste their own spine! How have I not thought of this before?!), with equally black pants and black sandals with white gauze wrapped around my ankles. The thing that had me shocked was not the blue headband with another metal plate, but with a- snail?

Ah hell naw- that was the next thing to go from my outfit with a fire jutsu(I DON'T KNOW WHAT A JUTSU EVEN _IS_ STILL-).

What had me shocked was the fact my usually red and hazel eyes had turned into a hazel eye and a red eye with, 3 commas in them?

Aw hell- not even awake for a minute in a new world and already I have pink eye!

Turning around to try and talk to Naruko(Again, I shouldn't know her name when she hasn't even FUCKING TOLD ME IT yet!), I froze when I suddenly saw… I'm not sure how to describe it, but I just saw Naruko about to be pounced on by a gigantic Ninja Turtle reject as it came out from the pond behind me.

So I just moved.

Launching forward, I grabbed Naruko and jumped up onto a branch(Holy hell- I was hanging upside down! Fuck not knowing where these techniques came from, they're fucking AWESOME!) not a moment before the thing I saw in the- future?- land on her previous position. It seemed she realized that too, as she paled quite quickly at how she would have been a cute girl pancake on the ground had I not been here(Damn it, now I'm hungry!).

"Y- You saved me.." "Yeah- wouldn't go that far quite yet." I told her as the massive turtle with teeth(Seriously? What fucking turtle has teeth?! What toxic waste was given to him at birth to make him Neo-Ninja Turtle-) and a spiked shell look up at us.

This is the exact reason I don't go into the Forest of Death.

That and the fact I've never been to this universe before-

"Stay here-" I moved up higher into the tree as the turtle came roaring onto our previous position by jumping(Another thing- this must be the fastest fucking turtle in the damn world! I'm nicknaming it Speedy Gon' get his ass kicked he keeps this shit up!) and landed on the highest branch I could find and placed her down on it.

Now if only she would let go-

"No! You're gonna get hurt if you try to fight it! I just found my first friend in the world, and I'm not gonna let him die!" She cried into my chest as whatever the fuck energy this world seemed to have(Which I too now seem to possess, gonna need to look into that later-) spiked in her and she started to glow red as the energy was slowly absorbed into me, to my immense shock-

Is that the reason I have pink eye?!

"Just- stay here." I grunted as the energy flow stopped and I was able set her down. Before she could cling to me further(Or summon more of that red stuff- I feel so lethargic now that I took it!... Well, I mean, more lethargic than usual-) I quickly backflipped with a sort of grace that I know I lacked(Otherwise I would still have my powers right now- and suddenly I'm depressed again.) onto the ground behind the beast.

"Alright you rascal reptilian, you reptilian ruffian, you reptilian reprobate- time to end this once and for all! Engarde-" I then noticed my sword was nowhere in site and the fact that I had no Kunai pouches, so I had none of those either(Whatever they are-).

I should have chose whatever was behind door number 1.

So after a few minutes, I was somehow pinned on my stomach with a giant paw- claw, thing- resting painfully on my left arm that was over my back, leaving me trapped on the ground at that things mercy.

"Gamera, no- you're supposed to be kind to all the children of the world!" I yelled up at it. It apparently got the reference, and was not pleased as it started to push down more, making me extremely uncomfortable(Wow, my body was really resilient now for some reason to withstand what had to be at least 1,000 kj of force without breaking anything-).

"H-Hey, you oversized lizard!" What the hell is it with kids and not listening to what their elders say(Says the relatively young Hollow that does the exact same thing-)?! "Leave him alone! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Why the hell was an 8 year old using the Kage Bunshin-

Or the better question- what the hell was a Kage Bunshin?

Looking up, I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping as at least a few dozen Narukos rammed into the beast's side, causing it to grunt and release me so that it didn't end up upside down, trying to roll onto it's belly-

Somehow, I doubt it would be able to do that if it happened-

Probably had to do with the massive spikes on it's back.

"Naruko! I told you to stay there- I was handling things well enough myself-" "You mean you wanted to be pinned with that things paw on your back?"

Damn kids and their uppityness.

"Just stay back! That thing is-" I had to collect her again as the turtle swung it's tail around, destroying the clones and hitting me in the back, causing me to be sent flying into a tree and toppling it with the force.

Yeah, I don't think I'm escaping this time with nothing broken-

"God, damn that smarts-" I let her go and tried to ease the pain in my back. "I- I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to get you-" She was cut off as the damn thing(Why is it so fast?!) was upon us swung it's claw down towards us- in hopes of getting a few pancakes for breakfast, apparently. "Okay- fuck this." I whispered to myself, channeling the energy this world held into every pore on my body.

I couldn't use any of my Hollow powers, I couldn't use any Reiatsu, I couldn't use any of the skills my body refined itself into having with years of practice- but I could damn well make some imitations with whatever this damn shit is!

Standing up, I met the damn things claw with my own punch.

Surprisingly, that stopped the claw in it's tracks, and then a second later, after I pushed out a bit with this 'Catra' thing, it's claw was sent upwards along with it's upper body as it was soon flipped onto its back. "Oh yeah- I'm going to make this HURT!" I yelled that last part as lightning sprung to life in my right hand. Jumping high into the sky, I dive bombed with my hand out right towards its head-

 **BOOM!**

Holy shit! It's head fucking exploded!

This Jutsu thing is awesome!

That had to take the back seat for the moment, however, as I sensed(Not too hard to sense this kind of power these 'Shinobi' have, actually- way easier then trying to sense the dead, at least.) a presence coming towards our general vicinity.

I stopped channeling 'Catra' to my hand, disrupting the lightning and ran towards Naruko. "Okay, you are to repeat exactly what I say to whoever is about to come through that foliage." And with that I whispered the tale she was to reiterate to the Ninja, and as soon as I was done I leapt backwards into even more foliage and waited for my plan to finish itself.

"Naruko! Kakashi! Where are you!" A man in regular ANBU garb(These memories that aren't mine are really starting to piss me off-) and a weird spiral mask with one eye hole on the right side came bursting through the trees and stopped right in front of the massive behemoth and Naruko. "Oh, ANBU-San! It was terrible-" Naruko cried out as she leapt into the ANBU's arms. "I was just coming to the same clearing I always do to train, when all of a sudden, this massive- whatever it is came out of the pond trying to eat me! But then, Inu-oneechan came out of a tree and started fighting it! They were like 'Boom!' and 'Chink!', but then, it was able to bite Inu-oneechan on the shoulder, and he screamed in pain, and then he thing ATE him! And I got really scared that it was going to come after me, but then, it's head just looked like it exploded from the inside, and I thought I saw some lightning flash before it just disappeared, but then Inu-oneechan didn't come back out from the beast, and, and- is he going to be okay?"

Holy shit, give this kid an Oscar, because even Leonardo Dicaprio couldn't fucking act half that good on the spot-

"Y-Yeah, Naruko… He'll be alright, why- why don't you go back to the village while I help him out." With that said, Naruko sniffled before she went running back to the village. The ANBU, for his part, just looked at the headless beast, and smelled the burnt flesh in the air with mute shock. Well, that was to be expected, after all-

His best friend and teammate just 'Died'.

* * *

"So, let me see if I got all this; your father, the leader of this, _oh so fine_ , establishment and your mother, an S-Rank Kunoichi in her own right, have left you in the dust for your other siblings, three older sisters, and a brother, all for the sake of 'Your twin siblings need the training more than you because of the Kibi'-" "Kyuubi." "Right, right, the Kubi, is sealed into them while your older siblings are already old enough to train themselves, and you yourself are fucked because of them?" "Basically."

Me and Naruko(After some persistence on her part- which meant she would not shut up about it so to shut her up I had to bring her.) were now in the one place in this perpetual hell hole that she liked- some place called 'Ichiraku ramen' or something of another. She had dragged me to here after I met back up with her after that little 'incident' and decided to tell me her sob story(Which ended up making the waitress sob, which had the unintended effect of ruining the ramen, thus making Naruko sob- weird turn around right there.).

"And not only that, but the people basically think you're the chibi incarnate, do I have that part right?" She nodded her head as she slowly ate her ramen, having an angsty feel about her(And she says _I_ have the pole up my ass-). Not really thinking about it, I put my hand on top of her head and ruffled it, causing her eyes to widen. "Ma, ma- don't worry about the ass clowns out there, what matters is what you think about yourself, and not what others think about you. Hell, if I did, I'd be in some gay bar right now giving out HJ's to anyone with a dollar-" I stopped and shuddered at that image. "Anyway, getting away from using Jill for anything else then my own gain- don't let others dictate what you see yourself as, or what you will do. That is all on you."

Naruko- for her part- just looked up to me as if I was god giving a lowly mortal the time of day(That might not be too far from the truth, but she doesn't need to know that-). "You- you really don't think I'm a demon like the rest of them?" Um, okay- not sure why my talk went in one ear and out the other, but, uh-

"For the sake of both our sanities- let's say I don't." I eye smiled(Something the other personality I had subsequently 'absorbed' did constantly-) at her over my new white and red sweat band covering my left eye(Old habits die hard, apparently- just like me!). She looked down at her ramen in, then I heard a sniffle, and the next thing I knew I was on the ground behind the stools we were sitting on before with an ecstatically crying little girl crying into my chest, thanking me repeatedly.

If only she weren't a minor(I'd be milking the shit out of this moment if she wasn't-).

"There, there, kid I only just met, it'll be alright." I awkwardly patted her on the head once(One thing me and the other person shared in common- we were terrible at comforting people; especially crying girls.). At that, she did a complete 180 and jumped to her feet, pounding her fist into her hand. "Yosh! Now I have to train even harder to make sure I don't let down my future husband!" Yeah, that's-

FUTURE HUSBAND?!

"Woah, hold up their partner; this ain't my first rodeo, so I know agreeing to marry ANYONE when they first met is a _terrible_ idea-"

I'm not stupid, I've seen Sekirei(If only for the Echii value-).

This only caused her to pout. "Aw, come on- I'll be your best friend!" The hell- "You can't be my best friend if you wanna marry me!" She paused. "Ah. I'll give you whatever that 'HJ' thing was you were talking about earlier if you do-" "NO! I'm too young to go to jail!" Plus there was the fact that I almost always drop the soap whenever I shower-

I like my cherry staying cherry fresh, thank you.

She seemed confused, but I wasn't about to tell her why I'd be going to jail on a felony- "Uh huh. Well, um…" She puffed out her cheeks and went into a thinking pose(Oh dear god, the cuteness- it hurts!). After a second or two, she snapped up like she had the most brilliant idea ever. "I know! If you marry me, I'll go on to become Hokage, and you can be my Queen then!" "Okay, first things first: I am not, nor will I ever be, a Queen- second, just follow your heart and do what you want to do in the future. What _do_ you want to do in the future, anyway?" I raised my eyebrow as she froze.

"What… I want?" She lowered her head and actually contemplated it. It was sad to think she was going to do whatever it took to keep me in her life, even if it went against what she actually wanted. "I… Want to make it so no one has to go through what I've been going through all my life!" She stated firmly, and for a second I was overwhelmed with emotion(What emotion I wasn't sure of, but I was certain it was the other person's personality that was doing it-). "Heh." I closed my eye and set my hand on her head once again. "You accomplish that, and I'll marry you kid." Her eyes lit up as I paid for our meals(Which was wasted as we didn't eat much of it- which also made me sad as I also quite started to enjoy the food known as 'Ramen'.) and exited the stall. "R-Really?" I made my way back to the clearing from before as she followed closely behind. "Sure- and as a plus, I'll even help you a bit along the way." I stopped at the clearing and looked over at the tree we toppled over before- only to notice a knob sticking out into the air from the tree.

Okay, maybe more than just a bit, then.

* * *

"Harder." I ordered as an older Naruko swung her fist into my side, barely causing me to move, but sending dirt flying everywhere as a crater formed underneath where I was hit.

A lot had happened in the last 4 and a half years.

The most important thing that has happened was the destruction of my one way out of here(I could have opened a Garganta, but without Hollow capabilities, I was shit outta luck.). After that realization(You know, the one where I was fucked.), I just decided to figure out what the hell happened to me and also help Naruko with her dream-

Her constantly pestering me 24/7 had a lot to help in that decision.

So with the knowledge I had gained from one 'Kakashi Hatake, Copy Ninja', named so for his implanted Sharingan eye from his best friend/teammate/rival, Obito Uchiha, I trained not only Naruko to hopefully one day be the best Kunoichi in the world, but also figured out what had happened to myself in the process.

Turns out, the consequences Oracion was talking about was that every Dimension had a set number of souls that could inhabit it; hence the reason not all Dimensions had a set 'Afterlife' as I figured out early in the game. And based off that assumption, for an outworlder to come into said Dimension, a soul would have to be destroyed and assimilated into the outsider from the very same Dimension(The person who it happened to was nothing if not random, I just so happened to get Kakashi.).

Though without concrete proof, this was all just speculation.

I wasn't sure if I should have gotten his memories and even his eye, but I did, and there was no one I could ask that had done the same as I had with the same situation out there, so I was stuck to assume(And thus making an ass out of me, and not so much 'U'-) what had happened.

So while I was stuck here, I decided to hang out with the one person who knew what the hell was going on other than myself, Naruko.

Using the knowledge not only held by Kakashi, but myself as well, I trained her as hard as physically possible so that she would be prepared for anything come time for her to be a Ninja of the Hidden Leaf(Gayest sounding name for a ninja village- but whatever, that's just my opinion.).

Ninjutsu, Genjutsu(Or I should say just dispelling them for now, as she has a shit ton of Chakra. Yeah, I just figured out how it was pronounced thanks to Naruko not 2 weeks ago- thanks for telling me, pricks.), and Chakra control from Kakashi, and Taijutsu, Kenjutsu(What little I knew that could be used for a living person, anyway-), and Iryōjutsu from me.

How did I know Iryōjutsu?

Let's just say the knowledge Kakashi held about Ninja wasn't enough to sate my desires to be ungodly strong(Insert evil laughter and lightning effect here.) so I started to study more into the Ninja techniques Kakashi was lacking in.

That included Iryōjutsu, Kugutsu techniques(Yeah, I know those are primarily from Suna, but I mean, come on- controlling others with strings like a puppet meister? That is too good to pass up-), Kekkei Genkai- the list goes on.

I trained hard- harder than I did when I was a Hollow I'd say(I can't just beat Naruko into the ground and not do so myself- don't want her being able to kick my ass if I laze around all day like Kakashi used to do).

All in all, it's been a productive few years.

"When I said harder, you know I meant harder, right, you little fucker?" I glared at her as she rubbed her fist she hit me with. "Not my fault I don't want to break you- last time I went fullpower you were sent flying all the way to the Valley of the End and I had to put you in a csat as well-" "You know damn well that only happened because I was still testing out my new technique to replicate an old one I used to have- and when I failed, you decided to go _below the belt_!" I hissed at her.

Seriously- get hit with super strength in the crotch once, and suddenly you're the most fragile object in the world!

"Not my fault you jumped up when I was trying to hit you in the face!" That was just as bad as the crotch- if not more so!

I needed both those things to make money damn it!

"You know I use these things to make money damn it!" I needed to make that last part vocal, so I roared at her as she stuck her tongue out and turned away.

She had matured in the last few years(In body, obviously, as she still had the personality of an 8 year old-), as she now had on an orange short pencil skirt with orange stockings(Dang it, orange is her favorite color, but she's starting to make it mine as well- and she damn well knows it too!) and black boots that reach her knees, as well as a tight black T-shirt under her burnt orange jacket, covering up her nicely sized breasts(They could do well to be a bit bigger- but she says she's working on it… Not sure how that works, but I don't well wanna ask how it does-). She still had the same innocent(That's what she tells me, but I know it's the exact opposite-) big blue eyes and the blonde hair done in pigtails that reach her ass(I can say that now as she's almost legally an adult.) and stood at an impressive 5'1 for her age and gender.

She also had an Odachi strapped on her back that was bigger than she was(What did you think I trained her strength up for?) that was held in a black sheath with ornate orange flower petals everywhere you looked(It was her birthday gift from me a while back- almost got raped in my sleep because of it. She said it doesn't constitute as rape if both parties are willing- and I don't know whether to be happy that she knew that or creeped out by how she thought me being asleep constituted as consent-).

All in all, she was starting to turn into a real beauty.

A real beauty with an unnatural addiction to the color orange, ramen, and me- but still, a beauty.

"And I'm telling YOU I could just pay for an apartment for us two so that you didn't have to use your precious 'Money Makers' on any of those two-bit WHORES!" Yeah, did I mention she was still on about that whole 'Marry me' thing?

Because she was.

"Don't worry, boo, you'll always be close to my heart." I walked up to her and pinched her cheek before she swatted my hand away. I laughed a that and started walking towards the village. "Just not as close as the women resting on my chest after our relations-" That must have gotten her to see red as steam started to come out of her ears. Soon enough I was running away from an enraged midget.

* * *

"Uzumaki-Namikaze, Naruko?" I watched(As a fly on the wall- gotta love the henge jutsu that Naruko made with her thick ass Chakra-) Naruko stand up from her seat in the back and walk out into the hall as hushed chatter guided her out.

Hearing some of the comments they made reminded me how much kids were dicks-

They could be so evil sometimes(If the 'Look at the lone bitch strutting her stuff' comment was anything to go by- Note to self: Teach the Inuzuka ass hat a lesson later on.).

I was just sticking to the wall, suppressing my presence so that when she graduated, I could go out and pick her up for a celebration(Because god forbid if her actual parents did it-), but what I wasn't expecting was the finger to stop right in front of me on the wall, apparently waiting for me to move onto it.

Thinking about it, I decided to piss in the wind and moved onto the finger of, if I was correct, the Hyuga Heiress.

And she had her Doujutsu activated.

Oh.

 _OH!_

Thinking it was time to hightail it, I flew up into the air and made for the window, but a quick chop at my person(Fly?) stopped me. Figuring the jig was up, I did a quick transformation into something else right in front of the class of up and coming ninja.

Okay, not my best idea ever, but sue me.

Coughing as the smoke of my Henge cleared away, the students watched as it revealed me just standing on the desk of the teacher(Albeit, a much younger me around their age-). I had changed my look over the years, now wearing black ninja sandals with black slacks that went to my ankles(They weren't cankles, I swear!) with an orange stripe going to either side of my legs(Guess who had me do that?), with a Shuriken, Kunai, and Senbon holster on the side of my left leg(I was ambidextrous, but my foes didn't need to know that-). I was wearing a black long sleeved turtleneck(And chains- Jk, I just like the song.) shirt under a zipped up burnt orange coat that matched Naruko's own(I can't resist a 10 year old who uses the Puppy Eyes- I might have been dead once, but I still had a heart damn it!). To cover up my 'Blemish', I still used that same sweat band from years ago to cover it by wearing it very 'Hipply', as a spandex wearing freak would have said.

"Congratulations! You caught me and passed the test!" Yes, I was going to do what I do best to get out of this situation- bull shit. "Test? What test- we already passed the Genin test!" An irritated Inuzuka told me off as he pointed to his newly acquired headband. "Ah, yes- but that was only the beginning! A ninja must constantly be aware of his/her surroundings, or else- BAM! You're dead." I was just planning to put laxatives in his dinner tonight, but kicking his ass was good payback too. "Aware?" "Like THIS!" Faster than any of them could follow, I was up in front of the mutt, picked him up, and threw him out the window(Fucker was lucky it was open-), following after him soon after along with most of the class, and I let them.

What was a humiliation beat down without witnesses?

"Grrrr- alright, punk, you're about to get a taste of Inuzuka bad ass! Come on Akamaru!" The dog seemed to have the obvious brains in the relationship as it really didn't want to go in and get it's ass kicked by me, so it just stayed off to the side. Not that the charging kid seemed to notice, anyway.

"Left-" I dodged to the right as he punched left. "Back-" I ducked as he sent out a kick to my stomach. "Low-" I jumped as he tried to sweep my legs from under me. "Claw- thing." I leant back in the air to avoid the claw that tried to make my other eye useless."Crotch- I don't think so." I stopped the game as he tried to punch my groin in mid air by twisting and kicking the side of his head, sending him speeding into a tree, unconscious.

C-C-C-C-C-Combo Breaker!

Always wanted to do that.

"Well, I think that's enough fun and games; remember kids, drink plenty of milk and don't take drugs from strangers- unless it's ecstasy. Then you snort the shit out of it-" And with those words of wisdom(?) I took off into the bustling village(Or so they thought; I just laid low inside the same tree the mutt slammed into.).

"Hn. Come on- someone grab the mutt and let's go back inside." A broody looking girl told the entire class, and I don't think the actions she wanted done could be done faster even if they tried(Pampered heir- check.). Though I had to give her props- she seemed to notice I was still there as she looked directly towards the branch I was sitting on with- oh ho! That was a pair of immature Sharingan! This got a wee bit more intriguing in this class.

I didn't have to wait long on this branch, as about 15 minutes later, the Academy classes were let out, with Naruko's ahead of them all. Dropping my henge, I dropped from the trees and went over to where Naruko was waiting for me to pick her up-

Only to find her arguing with two of her siblings. Oh what fun I'm sure to be a part of-

It seemed to be the second youngest of the children, the twins; Naruto and Miko.

They both were 15, and each of them had been training under the Sennin(Naruto the old hermit and Miko the busty slugger-), which meant they weren't to be trifled with(Well, to other people at least- I couldn't give a fuck either flippin' way.). Naruto(Who I assume was the dumber of the two- blondes and fun and all that good crap.) was in a god awful orange tracksuit with a black Konoha headband keeping his hair out of his face(Otherwise it would probably be an exact match to his father- eyes and all.), and black ninja sandals along with ninja pouches for his Kunai and Shuriken on his legs, while his sister(Who, thankfully, had a much better fashion sense-) had long red hair like their mother that cascaded downwards like feathers, and covered a portion of her face as well, with one violet colored eye being covered in it. She wore a red T-shirt covered by a floor length violet silk dress(Spoiled rich and pampered anyone?), and who knows what underneath it(My guess and hope was that it was nothing-). And for footwear, she wore high heeled sandals just like her teacher.

My other hope was that she kept all her tools in her none too small bust as well-

"Come on- we want to celebrate your graduation from the academy!" Naruto exclaimed as he tried to drag his sister with him. "Sorry, but I already have other plans." Naruko did not look amused in the least with either of them, better step in before she flips her lid-

"Plans? What kind of plans could you have that prioritizes over family?" Miko frowned as she crossed her arms over her _oh so glorious_ fun bags. "Those plans would happen to be me, I'm afraid." Both the twins turned around and saw an older, more mature looking me from earlier come up to them(I wasn't really that much different- just a height difference really, only about 5 inches more than Naruto.). "And who might you be?" They both frowned as they stepped in between me and Naruko.

"SETSUMEI-SENSEI!"

Not like that would stop Naruko from leaping into my arms.

"Naruko, I'm so proud of you!" I caught her and flung her up in the air, causing her to giggle as I caught her as she came back down. The twins were shocked though, as such intimacy was usually only seen between a father and daughter(If only they knew what she tried to do to me only so long ago-). "Bah- it was too easy! A clone, really? I could do that in my sleep!" "Yeah- the Kage Bunshin at least." I deadpanned as she face planted on the ground. "It- It's still a clone, Baka!" She ground her boot onto my foot, causing me to yelp and hold it.

She used that fucking super strength of hers, too!

"Alright, alright- you graduated, that's all that counts." I rubbed my head as she huffed and turned away from me. I'm not sure how I knew this, but I had a feeling me telling her how proud I was of her graduating wasn't enough to make an impression on her(Ever since she was little, I was somehow able to tell whenever she was feeling down or angry- might have something to do with how easy she was to read, but something told me it wasn't that.).

Sighing, I got on my knees(First and last time this would be happening- at least I told myself that.) and got her attention. "I mean it Naruko- everything you've accomplished up until this point, not many could do it. Even fewer could hope to keep going under all the pressure you go under on a daily basis. Keep up the work, and your dreams will finally be within arms reach." Smiling(With both my eye and my lips-) I leant over and touched my forehead with hers.

I didn't need to look to see her eyes had widened and started to tear up-

I also didn't need to look to see that both the twins were glaring at my back(Not hard to figure it out when you go from caring parental figure one minute to strangely intimate significant other the next.).

"Okay, creep, that's enough. Step away from our sister and we won't hurt you- _much_." Miko hissed at me as I glanced back at them to see Naruto pull out a Kunai and Miko start to put her hands in a hand sign.

I _so_ did not want to put up with that right now.

So I just picked up Naruko bridal style(I will never let her know it's called that-) and decided to show one of my many tricks. "Yeah- I would, but I'll take my chances that you'll somehow hurt me over having you take her and inevitably end up hurting her anyway. So long, pricks!" Using the time that they used to wince at that last jab, my Chakra flared up around my eye and soon enough, we weren't in the presence of spoiled brats anymore.

* * *

Hm. I'm still not sure what I should give her for graduating earlier, I mused to myself as I watched her sleep in my bed as the events from today finally hit her.

I taught her everything there was to teach from my time as a Hollow(Sans killing her and showing her what a Resurreccion was-), Kakashi didn't have many techniques for such an occasion(The only one I could teach her I had already-), and from my time studying the different subjects in the Elemental Nations she could do already do or it was physically impossible for her to learn(There was just no way she could learn the Kugutsu technique- her Uzumaki chakra was just much too thick to form only _strings_ from chakra.).

I've run out of things I could give her.

… Except for one thing-

Though I don't think my consciousness would allow me to sex up an almost 13 year-old.

So I was out of ideas.

Sighing in frustration, I sat down in a chair in the corner of the room. I suppose I _could_ give into her wishes for a shared apartment, but then I would have no way of getting more money(No way Naruko would let me bring in any customers if she was there to stop it-), and I both doubted a Genin's salary was enough to live off with two people, and didn't want to rely on her for monetary gain.

I could burn down the village for her?

Suddenly, killing her sounded a lot more convincing an option right now.

I could go on a quest in search of something worthy of the occasion(Maybe her father's head on a platter?), but then that would leave her to fend for herself, and I knew she would rather get nothing then have that happen.

Gah- why did I promise her I'd give her something spectacular for graduating into a GENIN of all things?!

Okay, lightning round, go-

Movie adaption of our adventures? Would take too long.

Picture of me in a very skimpy outfit? Too tantalizing(For her-).

Fix that weapon she wanted to use a couple years back?

…

 **Flashback no Jutsu(The most handy jutsu Kakashi knew by far-)!**

" _And it does all sorts of things!" An extremely energetic Naruko told me as she presented me with the weapon of her choice she wanted to use._

 _It was a metal bow with a bag full of arrows._

" _Let me see that-" I told her with a look of awe on my face, and she handed it to me-_

 _Which I then proceeded to snap in half because it was the stupidest thing that had ever graced my presence. "Wha-What did you do that for?!" She screamed at me as I grabbed the bag and then snapped all the arrows by smashing them across my knee._

" _You're a Ninja- not Katnip Evergreen." I told her as I flung a sword at her in a special sheath. "No student of mine is going to use the gayest, most flamboyant piece of trash weapon this world has to offer."_

 _Seriously- what Ninja is just going to stupidly stand still and allow you to not only cock the damn thing, but also aim and shoot it right into their person- it didn't make sense! They would just do some hand seals, then POOF! You're a giant roasted Ninja._

 _Honestly-_

 **Flashback no Jutsu END(I am going to get some hate from those writers that love bows so much- but I really don't care, so that's a plus.)**

…

Yeah, that is a no-

Teach her the ways of torturing a person until they officially go insane? Yeah- the thought of that didn't exactly sound too pleasant to me(Last thing I needed was for her to rip off my toe and shove it in my ear because I didn't get her ramen-).

Damn it! There had to be SOMETHING I could do or get for her! Getting up with a grunt I started pacing the room, thinking about what I could do. For fuck sakes, the only thing left to do for her would be to get married(But I ain't ready for commitment, as last time I committed to something, I was receiving assorted cheeses through the mail for close to 6 months every week-).

"Damn it!" I whispered to myself as I pounded my night stand, causing the one thing on it to fall to the ground. Sighing, I bent over to pick it up, and realized it was her 'Foxy-Kun' walle I had given her a while back. Picking it up and holding it to the window, where there was a view of the Third and Fourth Hokage heads on the mountain, I suddenly got the craziest idea in the world-

It was so far fetched, it had to work(And when it came to Naruko, everything was far fetched, so this wouldn't be too hard to do.).

Grinning, I opened my window and leapt out into the night sky(This time NOT for some late night snuggle struggling-).

This would be the greatest present, ever-

Aside from that one time I woke up to the biggest female orgy a year or so back.

I really had to thank this world for the Kage Bunshin, and kinky Kunoichi.

 **Also forgot to mention, the poll is up in my Profile, so go and vote for who you want MooMoo-Teme(I can make fun of him here because this isn't the main story and he won't see it.) to get his ass kicked by FOR A WHOLE CHAPTER- sorry, had to caps that because I think some of you can't read it otherwise-**

 **Ja Ne~**


	2. Furry's make the world go 'round!

**It is I- the great Kitsune-Sama!... Again!**

 **Yeah, you all thought I would just abandon this story-**

 **And you would be correct.**

 **However, I made a threat to a certain** ** _someone_** **, and now I needed to update something, but it wouldn't be the main story, so it was either this story, or make another one- but the next story is for another day, so this was the winner!**

 **Enjoy the chapter, and as always, hit up World of Bleach RPG- don't ask why I only seem to say that here, and not on the mainly Bleach story, as even I don't know.**

 **Laziness, maybe?**

 **Anyway, the story isn't gonna be abandoned, and my hi-jinks will continue in the Naruto world for ages to come-now read the shit and shush.**

"My wallet." I held my head in my hands as the unholy ramen eating machine next to me finished her thirty-second bowl and sighed contently. "Ah, that was good- hey, Jiji-San, bring me another one, on him!"

My poor Vixen-Chan!

"Alright, on to why I let you drag me here." I lifted my head up and looked towards her. "What do you think of your team?"

It didn't really strike me as surprising that the Hokage had put Obito(The Uchiha on Naruko's teams cousin if I recall correctly-) as Sensei of Team 7, nor had I found it odd that he just so _conveniently_ placed Miko, a rookie Jonin, as an assistant to both help out when Obito could not, but to gain a semblance of what it was like to be an actual Jonin Sensei.

And then the unsaid 'Spy on Naruko' part, obviously.

That being said, I knew next to nothing about her team, so I'd get her opinion on them.

"Meh, nothing too impressive- I know your abilities, and after what I have witnessed from Obito, I could already tell you could easily kick his ass across Konoha, not to mention I am leagues above the other Uchiha, and don't even get me started on _that_ one-" She snorted into her bowl of ramen as she ate it. "Elite my ass, the youngest one doesn't even have her Sharingan yet!"

"Don't sell them too short, Naruko." I told her as I reached into a pocket and pulled out a small orange book.

What? It's not everyday you can get away with reading porn in public-

"Oh Kasu, you naughty little minx, you don't put a cucumber _there_ -" "Sensei!" Naruko glared at me. "Focus!" "Wha? Oh, right; he may not look it, but that Uchiha Sensei of yours is in the Bingo Book- and has a rather big entry to his name, as well." "Puh-lease, it can't be anywhere near as good as your making it see-" "Obito Uchiha- nickname, Mukei Uchiha for his ability to literally phase through attacks as if they were not there. Rank: S. Caution: Do NOT attack alone, as it will inevitably lead to your defeat otherwise! Bounty: 120 million Ryo in the Country of Iwa _alone_ , wanted dead or alive." She just gawked at me. "Are you serious?!" "Yep." "You memorized that _entire_ listing to heart?!"

Not exactly what I would have said was the shocking part-

"You're not fazed in the slightest that your Sensei is an S-Ranked Ninja?" She just set down another empty bowl(The actual fuck?! She ate 11 more bowls while I wasn't looking!) and scoffed. "Big deal- you said so yourself that I was just as strong as a lot of A-Ranked Ninja, and that you yourself was stronger than nearly _every_ S-Ranked one!" "No- I said you have the abilities of an A-Ranked Shinobi, but lack the skill and experience required to become one; I'm almost certain any A-Ranked Ninja not put on the listing because of a high importance to be brought back to a village would kick your ass from here to Suna." She just pouted at me. "So mean, Baka-Sensei."

"And like I've also said before- while I'm strong, I can still easily be killed by anyone, and I _will_ eventually be killed." I flipped a page in my book(Hehe, looks like the pizza boy has entered this scene, and he brought a very long _sausage_ for Kasu to enjoy to her heart's content alongside her cucumber-). "And it's not like I want to die- it's just the way of the world we live in; us Shinobi risk our lives and pride to protect our villages, and to let it prosper to become even greater than it already is. Though considering I don't work for a village, you'll just have to be a good substitute for that." I eye smiled and patted her head. "Now come on, your graduation gift awaits." I told her, standing up and leaving the stand to go to an empty training ground, a somber Naruko behind me.

* * *

"Alright Naruko- remember that one time you were crying because you didn't have a super cool Summoning Contract like your siblings-" "Oi! I was not crying! I just, had something in my eye-" "Well it certainly wasn't a Summoning Contract, I can tell you that much." "... I really don't like you at times." She grumbled from her position on the ground as I stood above her, still reading my book(What?! Kasu was cheating on the pizza boy with Casar, her pool boy? Scandalous!). "I love you too, which is why I went to far distant lands to produce- this!" Using my hand not preoccupied(Kind of wish it was with all these raunchy scenes though-), I reached for my back, breaking the Genjutsu I placed before hand, revealing a giant red scroll and placing it in front of Naruko.

"Okay, couple questions- one, define 'Far away lands'."

"..."

* * *

" _Oh look, a garbage can! I wonder what goodies I can find in there-"_

* * *

"Far away places. Next question?" "Right, should have expected that one- alright, new question, is this really a Summoning scroll?" "Indeed it is, young padawan!" "Sorely tempted to use a question to ask what a 'pada-whatsit', is, but, to actually relevant topics, what Summon is it for?" "For the best little creatures you'll ever find, of course!" Closing my book with a slam and returning it to its confines(Ah, bye bye Kasu-Chan… And your delicious tits, too.), I bit my thumb and ran through a few hand signs.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" I slammed my hand onto the ground, causing a sealing arrangement to scatter across the ground, before the whole field was covered in smoke. "Why the hell does all this smoke appear for such a small animal-" I waved the smoke away from my face as it finally settled down.

"... Um, I don't see anything, Sensei." "Huh? Wait, where's- god damn it, Chie, are you on my neck again?!" "Mou- I can't help it, Mu-Tan, it's just so comfortable up here!" Finally, looking around my neck, I confirmed it had a red tail wrapped around it, almost like a scarf. "Damn it, Chie, get down and greet your new Summoner!" "Oh? _Another_ Summoner? My, my, 2 in the past 24 hours? Our Contract hasn't been so lively in- ever!" Unwrapping herself from me, the small fox leapt down on the ground in front my apprentice.

"Hello, young one, I am Chie, Queen of the Foxes, and defacto leader of the Gensō no Ana." She bowed low to the ground(How do foxes even bow in the first place-). "A pleasure to meet you." Chie, herself, was not too big, no more bigger than your average house cat, yellow eyes, with a complete red coat, with the exception of the fur around her neck, which was completely white, and the tip of her tail, the same shade of white.

She had threatened to cut off my dick after I told her she looked kind of like an Eevee.

"Yes, and now that introductions are out of the way, it's time to get you signed up and getting familiar with your… Familiar-"

That didn't sound nearly as good out of my head as it did inside it.

Definitely more perverted as well-

"Wait, familiar?" "Ah, yes, you see, when you sign the contract, the first being you summon shall automatically become your familiar- your, ah, go to summon, if you will. You'll become closer to that summon than any other, and most likely, you won't be able to fight nearly as good with any other summon as you will be with that one." I told her as the only fox here wrapped herself back around my neck. "Now get to signing-"

The irony of the sibling for the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki signing the fox contract was not lost on me.

It was just conveniently ignored.

"So, any bets on who will become her familiar?" I asked the fox hanging off my neck as Naruko bit her thumb, and started to write her name down on the scroll… And then had to cut it once more when the wound healed and she only had enough blood to write the letter 'N'. "Hm. Well, I can feel her Chakra reserves, and, while impressive, are nowhere near yours in sheer velocity, so I think she'll probably summon a much lower tiered summon, like Genkichi." I just stared at her.

"Genkichi. Really?" The fact that he was a man sized, retarded fox that liked to eat glue and chase his own tail did not need to be said. "Well, she doesn't exactly have the reserves to summon someone of my power, and like you've told, me, her control isn't very good, either- what did you expect me to say, Chūjitsuna?!" She seemed offended as Naruko started cursing as her thumb healed, _again_ , right after she wrote the letter 'O'. "Well, that's who I'm guessing anyway." She just started guffawing. "Really? You're just overestimating your student now, there is no way she would be able to summon _Chūjitsuna_ , of all foxes!"

Oh, that was so going to come back to bite her in the ass.

As soon as Naruko stopped trying to cut off her hand to get enough blood to write her final last name, at least.

Must suck to have 2 surnames that you have to write in blood on top of the first one when you have unnatural healing capabilities.

"Hmph. Fine then- what's the wager for this then?" "Well, considering you have next to no hope of winning, when I win, you have to buy me _and_ the entire clan those new treats that have just came out on the market!" "The ones that are only available in Kumo, that I'd have to import to my address to get unless I take a small trip to the other side of the Elemental Nations?" "Those exact ones." Meh.

Couldn't be more than I blew in a week treating Naruko to ramen.

"Fine, but when _I_ win, you have start teaching me AND Naruko the fox techniques now, instead of in a couple months."

They had some stupid rule about 'learning everyone from the contract' before teaching their techniques.

Complete bull shit, yeah, but not like I could do anything about it- before now.

"Grrr, fine! Enjoy wasting away your stripper money when I win!" "Oi! It is NOT stripper money-" Well, most of it wasn't- "I am an entertainer, not some whore you can pick up off a dark alleyway at night!" She didn't need to know that's exactly where I went to pick up clients. "Yeah, yeah, you're not an object, you're an object with a face- just teach your kit how to summon so I can win this bet already." Cocky little-

"Alright Naruko, come here- these are the hand signs to do the Jutsu." I showed her how to do the hand signs, but before she could even attempt to do it, I stopped her. "But remember, this is a _very_ chakra extensive technique- even more so than the Kage Bunshin. So why don't you put everything you have into it, than pull." I started to smirk at the kitsune's confused face as Naruko saluted. "Hai, Setsumei-Sensei!" Sticking her tongue out of her mouth as she bit her thumb- _deeper_ this time, so that it'd stay bleeding longer, she went through the hand seals I told her to as she unleashed all her chakra to do the technique, making my summon's eyes widen and jaw drop. "Yeah, when I said her control was subpar at best, I wasn't lying- she can barely hold enough back to make it seem like she only has the reserves of your average Elite Jonin." I told her as Naruko slammed her hand on the ground and yelled out the technique. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" Which was followed up by more smoke appearing than there usually was at an Akimichi barbeque.

And they were fat pieces of shit that needed at least 3 dozen grills active at a time.

"The- what?!" Seemed like the first traces of doubt appeared in the kitsunes voice as she beheld all the smoke in the clearing now.

Served her right, _damn bitch_ (More irony is that she actually _is_ a female canine… Don't want to know if she was in heat, though-).

"Well, this was, ah, _unexpected_." Indeed, it was. "Didn't expect her to summon Chikara… Or Kōnen… Shizen either, for that matter… And _Chūjitsuna_." Seriously- she summoned all fucking 4 of those little she-devil offsprings of the pain in the ass on my neck!

"She- She summoned all 4 of my kits." The kitsune just gaped at the scene. "She summoned 4 of the most chakra consuming summons the entire clan has to offer- in one sitting!" "Yeah- she tends to, you know, break the boundary between normal and abnormal a bit from time to time." I told her as I walked over to the 5 kids here.

"Phew, that took a lot out of me! You sure weren't kidding around, Sensei!" Naruko sat down on the ground, covered in sweat as she wiped a bit from her forehead. "That took almost all of my reserves to do! I don't think I'm near ready enough to actually do this to its fullest yet." "Don't worry, you actually summoned more than 1- and each of them takes quite a bit of chakra to do it, too. Plus, once they become your familiars, it won't take nearly as much chakra to summon them anymore." "'They'? You mean I can have more than one familiar?!" Oh god, there's that glint in her eyes again-

Last time she has that glint, I had to help one of my lady friends get the words 'Homewrecker', painted on with some really resistant shit off her forehead, stomach, chest, back(The back one was kind of like a tramp stamp in a way-), and… Well, I won't talk about the last spot.

How she got the words _there_ of all places, ESPECIALLY when I was right next to her all night, scared the crap out of me.

Even more so when I noticed she had somehow super glued the girl's hand onto my hoo-haw.

"Yeeeeeeeah, all but little Chūjitsuna here, she is actually one of my other familiars as well." I told her as I leaned down and picked the littlest kitsune here(Which was sad, considering her mother was only about a foot and a half long- and let's be real here, I've eaten subs bigger than that.) up into my arms, silently petting her as soon as she was.

She was actually one of the reasons I was even _allowed_ to sign the contract in the first place.

Reason why was… Not pretty-

Even though she was the smallest(And looked exactly like her mother, with the exception of a paler coat of red, and the fact her eyes seemed to change color based on what, weirdly enough, I was wearing and/or thinking about-), she was actually the oldest sister in the bunch. Sadly, a certain, _incident_ , caused by some, _people_ , of some, _village_ (To give you a hint, the name of the village rhymes with 'Dick-bags'... Wait, it doesn't? Well it should-), that resulted in her being put in a coma, which she did eventually wake from, but she was never the same- growth was stunted, she more than likely started to have psychosis as a result of the trauma she went through, her own physical body was no longer capable to do anything but walk a few short feet a _day_ , she became very introverted with a fear of basically anything that moved(Besides her family, apparently.), etc etc.

The worst part had to be the fact that she was now _permanently mute_ , and it looked like she would never be able to mold chakra again, either.

But then I came along, signed a contract, and she just so happened to be the first thing I summoned, along with her mother.

It was a glorious relationship at first sight.

* * *

" _Ah! AH! Not the dick, anything but the dick, it's my money maker- AH! MY OTHER MONEY MAKER! GO BACK TO BITING THE CROTCH!"_

* * *

The best relationship, ever.

And so, after getting her to finally stop _biting my dick_ , her mother(Who was none too happy at the fact I had summoned, out of all 4 of her offspring, the one that _wasn't_ in good shape.) had angrily tried to get me to cross my name off the contract(Via more crotch biting-), but before she could attempt to, her daughter had actually _walked towards me_ , away from her mother, and tried to get me to pet her.

Needless to say, the cuteness factor was on overload, and I happily did so.

And in doing so, I realized that she was not in good health.

 _At all_.

And me, being the ever generous person I was(Could have sworn I heard a distinct coughing sound along with the word 'Bullshit' somewhere over in Naruko's direction-), helped the cute, lovable adorableness in my hands.

Of course, you couldn't fix year's worth of abuse in a day, but I had attempted to, and made rather astronomical progress in just the day I had met her. First was her body(Which was all but paralyzed and immobile at that point-), which I had fixed to the best of my ability(Thankfully, in learning Iryōjutsu, I had practiced on enough dogs and other such animals to know their anatomical structure fairly well, which helped in the healing process.), which wasn't nearly enough to fix the entire thing, but she could at least walk and now process things better than she could before, reflexes that weren't useful now, entirely were. Her chakra system, as well, I had somehow managed to fix, so she could now utilize _that_ as well.

The psychological damage, sadly, couldn't be fixed as easily, but that was currently a work in progress, along with everything else as well.

I was happy to say, she was now only extremely anti-social, and could function as well as any of the other members of her clan(Well, one of the weaker ones, anyway, at least until her treatment is done.), and in doing all of this, I was allowed to become a summoner for the clan, with the leader and her eldest daughter as my familiars as well.

Bonus!

But I hadn't really been able to train much the last few days, either(And what I _did_ want to train in, the mother hen always forbade, as it was 'Against clan tradition!'- bah! Tradition can go bite its own ass if it meant I couldn't start spouting new techniques out my ass like it was a bargain sale!), as most, if not almost all of my time was invested in the treatment of little Chūjitsuna.

During which, I noticed some astonishing things about her.

It would seem that the eldest really embodied what all her younger siblings did, and more, as considering each of them specialized in one aspect or another, their sister, somehow, excelled _more_ in it than they did.

Of course I had seen each of my other familiars kids, and somewhat of what they could do, being named after their best aspects(I had seen Chikara topple trees with the best of them, and had nearly broken my hand when I had her attempt to hit me with all her strength- _with my imitation Hierro active_! Kōnen, was nothing but a bundle of energy, bounding around everywhere at speeds even I would have trouble keeping up with, and never had I met anyone so in tune with nature like Shizen, and because of that, she could hide away with such skill that I couldn't find her for almost an hour!).

Chūjitsuna had blown them all away.

I was not certain if it had to do with _her_ aspect of power, but any time I was involved, she refused to be anything less than perfect.

When I had asked Chikara to hit me with all she had, Chūjitsuna came at me in the most nonchalant fashion, walking with a gait, then slowly pounced at me, enough for me to easily raise my other hand to block, along with activating my defense(Because something _told_ me I would need it-), and I had waited for the headbutt to land.

My hand, including my entire forearm, had been broken, the bones pushed back through my elbow in a gory fashion, not allowing me to bend my arm in anyway without it being excruciatingly painful.

Needless to say, tears had been shed for the great loss of Jill.

When me and Kōnen had raced, Chūjitsuna wanted to do so as well, and when the starting signal had went off, I had maybe a second to react before Chūjitsuna was already at the designated finish point.

When I had played hide and seek with Shizen, upon her eventual capture, Chūjitsuna wanted a turn too.

It took me about 6 hours for me to finally give up when I couldn't find her anywhere in the wilderness.

I wouldn't doubt it if she had beat her mother in even _her_ own aspect if it had come down to it, and let me tell you, her mother really was known for being wise for choosing 'Loyalty' to be that kids name.

Because every second she was with me, outside of her home, _she would not leave my side_.

At first I thought it was cute- endearing, even.

Then I had brought home a girl, and you could have literally cut the awkwardness with a knife after the kitsune refused to leave my room, and I had to sex up a girl as an intelligent animal just stared at my back the entire time I did it.

Pretty sure I was scarred for life after that, not too sure.

Know someone got a pretty good show though- glad someone did, because my client certainly _didn't_.

I could only hope that I didn't have a little Yandere after my heart, as well as my penis.

Or at least I think she's after my penis, after the way she wouldn't stop staring at it every time I switched positions.

Personally, I was never one for beateality, so _fuck that_ \- er, in the non-literal sense, mind you.

Because Chie would also skin me alive and burn me at the stake before she'd allow that.

"Alright, let's get introductions over with before the popo show up and try to arrest me and kill every fox here- girls, introduce yourselves." I beckoned each fox forward from behind me. "Yo, I'm Chikara, the strongest kitsune the clan has to offer." Yeah, my hand that's still feeling phantom pains says otherwise- anyway, the fox somehow made a show of puffing out its chest in pride, causing it to eventually fall over from the offset balance.

Unlike Chūjitsuna, who was her mother's own lookalike, Chikara was big(You had to be to get the kind of power inside your body… With a few, exclusions, I'll admit-), easily being twice, if not more, than her mother's own size, and still growing, black eyes, with a dirty dark brown coat and a lighter brown coloring the tip of her tail, no fluff around the neck though and a distinguishable puff of hair topping her head as well.

"Hi! I'm Kōnen, but my friends call me Konny! Though, I'm not sure if we're friends or not, so I guess I'll to figure out a new name for you to call me! Hmmm, Kon is out, because I don't like the sound of that, so how about-" "Stop bouncing around already, you little she-devil!" Kōnen was a bubbly and energetic animal(More so than even Naruko- and I shudder when I think about what the 2 of them could do together.), being almost entirely a shiny, pale yellow, with a white tail tip, and a bit of white on the chest as well, but unlike her sister, she was only maybe a foot taller than her mother and had spiked hair on her head.

And she couldn't _sit still_!

"Shizen! Introduce yourself before you sister goes into a rant again!" The fox just sighed and nodded. "Hello. My name is, as you heard, Shizen. I like nature, training, and being able to protect my clan. I hope to someday become the next head of it, as well." The calmest(And my personal favorite of the three- mostly because she limits the pranks she tries to pull on me, unlike the other 2.) one by far, Shizen was a little bigger than Kōnen, but her coat was a sheen of green not too far off of the greenery surrounding us, with a black tipped tail and the starting of a mane on top of her head, covering one of her eyes with a bang.

"Great, and this is Naruko, my favorite pain in the ass, and your new summoner, along with the person who you will be spending all of today getting to know better, but right now, we need to amscray before the people I sense coming towards us find us!" Quickly lifting up Naruko like a sack of potatoes in my free hand, I ran off towards a different training ground with the gaggle of foxes following after me.

But no one noticed me quickly glancing back at the training ground that was getting smaller from the distance.

I wonder what she'd do with all this information?

* * *

"Well, now that we got out of that wee pickle of ours, I think someone owes me a technique or two!" I chirped as I sat away from the 3 foxes and Kunoichi playing off to the side of the training ground. "Wait, you want to learn NOW?" "Duh- whole point of the bet, Chie." Seriously-

Did animals in this world have hearing problems too?

"I just didn't expect you to want them _immediately_ , dumb ass. Besides, weren't you trying to perfect that little technique of yours?" "I, sadly, got it to as good as it's going to get. Which isn't saying much, as right now it is next to useless in battle-" As it turned out, it was fairly easy to recreate the technique, because chakra is actually _half_ Reiryoku, making it impossibly easier to make this new body learn how to utilize it.

Actual usability in the form of chakra, _however_ …

Well, turns out that Hierro came to me so easily as a Spirit because I was actually _literally_ made of the stuff I needed to use to use the thing. Made it a lot easier to hold up, that's for sure. But it wasn't just that- controlling Reiryoku, unlike chakra, was infinitely easier(Might have had something to do with the fact my entire body was made of the stuff- not sure, just guessing here.), which allowed me to use techniques without wasting nearly any Reiryoku at all.

Chakra was much harder, in comparison, to control, and thus used more to use any technique.

Didn't help that I had Reiryoku in abundance, while my chakra was nowhere near limitless.

"Anyway, teach me a technique!" Let it be said, I was not above childishly whining to get what I want.

The crazy dango loving chick probably knew that better than anyone.

"Fine, fine, damn bratty little piece of shit" "Oi! I heard that!" "Doesn't mean it's still not true." Damn- she had me there. "Whatever, just teach me a thing already!" "Gah, you're insufferable. Here- learn this." With that a tail holding a scroll smacked me in the face. "Ow. What's this; 'Torikku Sakkaku', C-Ranked Genjutsu- hey, what gives?! I don't want a puny low ranked jutsu, I want to blow shit up with a single wave of my hand, damn it!"

Someday, I will learn that very technique, I swear to god-

"Pipe down, did you really think I would give you one of our best techniques to start out with? Please- I'm not retarded, nor do I want to die by your dumb ass."

"Chūjitsuna! You're mother's being a meanie to me again!" I cried crocodile tears as I swept up the little kitsune into my arms. "You don't think I'm dumb, right?" Silence. "Right?!" More silence. "Wah! My familiar turned my other familiar against me! What cruel irony this is!"

It took all my willpower to not crawl into a corner somewhere and start poking the ground with a stick.

"Fine, whatever. What the hell does this shit do anyway?" Picking up the scroll from where I had dropped it, I started to read the instructions and description. "An illusion on top of another illusion? This is just double layered Genjutsu-" "No, that's where you're wrong. This technique makes the user believe they are not inside of a Genjutsu, when infact they are, and so once they detect it, they will not be expecting it to be double layered, and that's when the real effects will start kicking in on the second layer once they break the first." "... I can just easily do that, and more, with an A-Rank or two-" "Just learn the damn thing, and you'll understand!" "Alright, alright, bitchy, aren't we today?" I griped as I sat down and started to figure out how to use it. "Don't see the reason to, though. Double layered Genjutsu seems so much easier and better-" "Why are you still on about this?! Just learn the damn thing and shut up!" "I'm doing the damn seals already, just quit your yapping." Quickly going through the seals, I finally landed on the last one. "Torikku Sakkaku!"

"... Did it do anyth-" "Yes, of course it did!" "Yeesh, just asking- why don't you use it on me so I can see how it works in depth?" Grumbling a bit, she did just that. "Torikku Sakkaku!"

"... So, did it wo-" "You insufferable bastard!" Sighing, I just sat there waiting to see the effects(Hey, no use in dispelling it before I see what it actually did-), when I suddenly felt… Uncomfortable. Ignoring it, I just sat there and continued to watch the kids with us play, when I had to repress a shudder. "Okay, I think that's enough of that." Holding the ram seal, I whispered. "Kai!" Well, now that the first was-

"The hell…" The feeling was still there, but it seemed increased somehow.

Was this the second Genjutsu in effect?

"Kai!" No- the feeling was still there, lurking at the back of my mind, making me more and more uncomfortable with its presence. "Kai!" No! "To hell with this thing-" Getting fed up with it, I lifted up the headband on my head and opened the eye that was underneath it. "Sh-Sharingan?!" Oh yeah- I didn't tell any of them exactly what was under that headband. No matter, I would just- "... There is no Genjutsu active." The fuck-

"Well, I didn't think you had such a cheap device like the _Sharingan_ , but yes, you figured it out. It isn't a double layered Genjutsu- in fact, it isn't a Genjutsu at _all_. What you were feeling was just a mixture of your own nervousness over trying to figure out the effect of the jutsu, along with the slowly increasing killer intent I, the user, give out. Then, once the target is thoroughly shitting their pants, you activate the _real_ Genjutsu, and they won't be able to tell the difference anymore, thus allowing you to kill and/or maim them. Got it?"

I just sat there with my mouth open, eyes lidded as a fly flew into my mouth.

"Wha?" "Oh for the love of- whatever. I'm done here, make sure Chūjitsuna and the others get home before dinner." And with that she puffed back into her own realm. "Well, looks like it's just me, you, and the others, Chūjitsuna." I put the fox on top of my head as I stood up. "Though, I haven't really got any training in lately, so what say we test the teamwork of the pranksters, eh?" I couldn't see, but I was sure the fox on my head nodded in acceptance. "Great- back me up, will ya?"

"Okay! I think that's enough slacking off!" Clapping my hands together, I stood in front of them all. "Naruko, you and those three foxes are now bound more than you can possibly know for someone of your mental capabilities-" "Oi!" "-And as such, I think it is appropriate that you get to know how to fight with each of them. That being said, I am also in need of learning how to fight better with my own familiar. So, how about a little spar between us all- me and Chūjitsuna, vs all of you, eh?" Smirking, I settled into the Uchiha's interceptor stance(Totally not stolen or anything- cough cough.). "Show me how much you've really learned from me over the years, Naruko!" She quickly got up and got into her own stance(Which was barely any better than a bar brawlers; seriously, any time I tried to teach her a style, she just gave up and went back to this thing- the sad part was, it actually worked for her better than any other style too.). "Y-Yeah! Don't hold back though, or me, Chi-Chan, Kō-Chan, and Zen-Chan will kick your ass!" Oh god- they already had nicknames for each other.

My dick would never be safe out in the open again.

"Alright, lets GO!" Moving at Jonin speeds, I was in front of Naruko in an instant, and sent out a left hook, which she ducked under as she tried her own left hook, which was redirected before I kneed her in the stomach and was about to slam her face into my knee, but I had to jump back as Shizen appeared beneath both of us and tried to bite my crotch(Why does everyone go for that in this dimension?!), and followed up by pouncing at me and trying to rip my eyes out with claws, but I quickly palm striked her to the side, just as two Naruko's and Chikara came up to me from the front and Kōnen came whizzing from behind.

Realizing I could very likely get maimed(Or worse- bit in the dick.), I lifted my headband once again in the same day, and blocked a kick from a Naruko trying to kick my legs out from under me with my knee, then jumped up and slammed a fist into her face as it popped and Chikara came down on where I had just been, creating a decent sized crater where she had impacted(Jesus Christ! They were trying to kill me!) as the other Naruko came and attempted to punch my stomach as I was still in the air, but a kick to her head popped that one too.

Sadly, Kōnen had chosen that moment to appear directly in front of me too, and all I could do was lift my left arm up to get the bite instead of my leg, causing me to wince and not be able to block or counter the follow up tail to the face that sent me flying back.

"Gah, that hurt more than I thought it would." I flexed my limb as blood started to pour down the arm. "Damn, oh well, nothing a quick- what?!" Making the hand seals for a quick, but efficient healing jutsu, I found that I couldn't mold my chakra- "No, I can't mold it through the arm she bit." I corrected myself as I tried to get it to run through the arm, with no luck. "Damn it, she must have pumped her own chakra into it to disrupt mine from flowing properly. Which now limits my jutsu arsenal greatly-" Sure, I could still do the hand sealess ones, or the ones taking only a single hand to do(Which wasn't much more than a few B-Ranks and the C and D-Ranked ones I did know-), but being up against a Ninjutsu freak like Naruko that I had made her into-

So it was Taijutsu and Genjutsu only it seemed.

Or…

"Fuck!" Back pedaling from where I had just been, Naruko appeared out of the ground from the Doton: Moguragakure no Jutsu, already finishing some hand signs. "Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!" Then spat out a spurt of fire that followed me. "God damn shit!" I yelped as some of the fire reached the coat tail of my coat, making me have to shrug it off lest it start to reach my other clothes, leaving me in a white sleeveless shirt and the same sweat pants from last week's incident at the academy. "Are you TRYING to kill me, you little brat?" I yelled over my shoulder as I kicked off a tree branch just as the flames reached the tree I had been standing on. "Of course she is, why wouldn't she- WOAH!" Luckily, I had Chūjitsuna on top of my head, looking where I was going, so instead of receiving an electrical fox to the face, Chūjitsuna blew an air bullet at the thing, causing it to explode harmlessly in front of me in a shower of sparks.

But of course, that wasn't only a singular attack-

"Fuck!" Ducking under a pounce from another one, 3 more came out of the woodworks looking to electrocute me. "Fūton: Daitoppa!" Making a half ram seal, I quickly unleashed a torrent of wind that not only blasted the electric constructs away, but also toppled the nearest trees to my location. "Well, if that didn't let them in on my location, this will-" Acting on instinct alone, I dropped to the ground and slammed my good hand onto it. "Doton: Doryūheki!" Causing me and my partner to be thrust into the air as a giant wall of earth(Shaped vaguely as a canine of some sort, for some reason-) sprung beneath us, carrying us to above the tree lines right as a cry of "Konbijutsu: Ochitsuki no nai dangan no danmaku!" Came from the forest and at least a dozen Katon: Endan's and Suiton: Teppōdama's(Powered by Naruko's own Fūton: Renkūdan's no doubt-) hurtled to where we just were, hitting the newly made wall of earth as it shook so much from the impacts that I was half afraid it would topple over.

Catching my breath from having to quickly make a haphazard Doryūheki without the proper seals, I caught the blur coming at the middle of the wall too late. So as the blur slammed into the wall and quite literally broke it in half, I tried to brace myself as best I could as dozens of shuriken zoomed at me from below.

Luckily, this was where learning to be a Kugutsutsukai(A Puppeteer, for those of you who don't speak Englishnese.) came in handy as I sent out 5 threads to get control of some of them, and deflected most of them away from me, and only let the ones aimed either not at me or at no vital areas to hit, causing me to only have about 3 stuck in me at non-vital points, which I took out as soon as I had landed. The liquid dripping off of the throwing stars caught my attention thoroughly though.

"Poison?! Naruko doesn't use poison, which leaves- _Shizen_." She was the only one of the four I knew that actually had some basic rudimentary knowledge in the art of poison usage and making, but the question was what was the poison for? Moving a limb to see if I could still use chakra, I found it increasingly difficult to move it. "Shit, it either relaxes my muscles or increases the length of time it takes for my brain to send signals to my muscles to tell them to move." Cursing, I tried to go hide in the forestry again to try and find the antidote to the exact poison I'd been hit with, but a pair of hands erupted from the ground and caught my ankles. "Gah, I knew teaching her the Shinjū Zanshu no Jutsu was a terrible idea- she's already unnaturally good at stealth without actually _hiding_." Moving to destroy the clone underground, a pair of mandibles came out of the ground and restrained my hands away from each other. "Okay, this is getting a little too kinky for my liking."

I swear if they bring out the whip and rope-

"Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!" Oh wait, it's just the GIANT FLAMING BALL OF DEATH AGAIN! Gathering the chakra for the Kawarimi, I attempted to pull it off, but nothing happened. "Oh, come on! I'm just trying not to become tonight's dinner over here!" Looking at the earth mandibles suspiciously, I tried to gather chakra into my arms, but it did not flow into it like it should. "Oh joy, more chakra suppressing shit." And doing the same thing with my legs, confirmed that the clone was also, apparently suppressing my chakra somehow.

It was at this point in time, that I realized I probably should have just stuck to kicking their asses with my sword.

"It can only suppress the chakra in my arms, and the clone is only touching my ankles with a seal, but my head is free game." Closing my eyes, I waited until the fire was only a dozen feet away, before opening my left eye with a transformed Sharingan. "Kamui!"

Ah, yes, by far one of my favorite techniques Kakashi had at his disposal- too bad he didn't know he had it though in the first place. Apparently, neither did the one that gave him the eye though; they both apparently thought that because he wasn't an Uchiha, he couldn't get the transformed version of the eye.

Such stupid thinking.

While I had not innately known I indeed had it, it only took about a year for me to find out and experiment with it- turns out, it was basically the exact opposite of Obito's own eye, techniques and all.

While he could make himself transparent by escaping into the in between of his dimension(I guess it would be _our_ dimension now that I think about it. Hm. Didn't really think the first thing I owned when I came to this dimension would be shared with another man… Don't tell Naruko-), I could literally draw in anything I wanted into the dimension with my own eyes technique.

Though, there was the setback of me not being an Uchiha, so the thing took WAY more chakra than I liked(Which was a work in progress-), and if I consecutively used it, I would start bleeding from the eye and the blurry vision in said eye would only get worse. Which is why I didn't like using it too often-

Not like I had a choice here, anyway though.

As quickly as the word was uttered, right in front of the ball of fire, a void appeared, gobbling up anything near it into the next dimension- and the fire was no exception. As soon as it was thoroughly absorbed into my dimension, I closed my eye and started to pant. Using Kamui was never easy. Feeling a source of heat in front of me that wasn't there before, I opened my eye again.

To see an even bigger ball of fire, aided by wind more than likely, headed towards me.

Ah for fucks sake, I can never get a break-

"Chūjitsuna! Give me some air time here!" Quickly activating my eye again, I drew the fire ball back out in front of me, only this time it was headed in the opposite direction, and just as it was about to hit the other, bigger fire jutsu, Chūjitsuna finally blew out a massive gust of wind from her mouth(At least I think and am hoping it was from her mouth-) that hit the redirected ball and blasted it forward with a force just as great- if not greater- than the one it was trying to deflect.

"Chūjitsuna, get these damn shackles off me so we can get out of here before-" Looking up, I noticed I was a little late to the punch as a dragon made entirely out of fire got ready to bounce onto our position.

"This- This is gonna hurt." Closing my eyes as I heard Chūjitsuna actually _whimper_.

Heh, first time for everything I suppose.

"Damn morons are trying to get me killed- Chūjitsuna, get away from here while I detur the stupid dragon." Not waiting for a response(Not like I would be getting any, in the first place-), I quickly gathered some air in my mouth, before spitting it out in a weak Daitoppa that maybe stopped the dragon for half a second before it just crashed through it and came on a collision course with my location as it's course.

Though feeling the same weight on my head caused me to start panicking. "Oi! I said get out of here- if this damn thing doesn't kill me, your mother WILL when she sees what happened to you!" Throwing my head to the side sharply, I tried to kick her off, and when she didn't go flying out of the way, I continued to do it.

But it was like she was stuck on like _glue_ or something, as no matter what I did in that few seconds before the dragon hit me, she wouldn't get off! "Gah, you stubborn little vixen!" Tilting my head to a point where it shielded the fox to the best it could, I had nary a second before the thing finally hit my position.

… Or, I thought it did, but all I felt was an intense heat before all was silent.

"... Eh?" Opening an eye, the dragon was gone and so were the balls of fire. "The what what?" Getting out of the fetal position I was in(Or as best a fetal position you could get with things out of a BDSM's wet dreams holding you down-), I looked around me, fearing the worst-

Like _another_ trip to my mind, where who knows what would be waiting for me.

But patting my head, confirmed, that Chūjitsuna was still on top of my head, so it couldn't be that.

.. Wait, weren't my hands occupied?

Looking down, both my hands were free, along with my legs, and I could also move them around as easily as before the battle- if not more so now, and could also feel the chakra flowing through my limbs too, and even my clothes were still intact… Mostly.

Though speaking of limbs… and speaking-

"Why do my hands look like claws, why is it becoming increasingly difficult to speak, and why do I have a sudden urge to get down on all fours and chase some rabbits-" Now that I thought about it, something was up with my head too-

Patting my head again, this time I noticed that my hair was spikier than before, and spread out in all directions instead of the usual gravity defying hair I always had since the 'Merge'. And was that- "Are these… fox ears?" Casually flicking the pair I felt, I felt a rumble. Okay, that one was Chūjitsuna's, but what the hell was _the bigger pair on top of my head_ -

"Mm. Fusion." Holy shit, were the voices back again?!

Leave me alone, you already took my sword spirit, what more do you want?!

"Mm. No voices. Chūjitsuna." Wait- "Chūjitsuna? Nice try voices, last time I fell for that kind of trick, I ended up with a prison inmate named Buffalo Bill!" "MMM! Listen!" Okay, maybe it wasn't the voices-

After all, the voices couldn't possibly have such a cute, high pitched voice that made me want to smother them to death.

"Okay, want to tell me- tell me why you can suddenly, speak?" Jesus, it was getting progressively more difficult to speak now- was I dying?

OH DEAR GOD, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

I WANTED TSUNADE TO SMOTHER ME IN ETERNAL BLISS, FIRST!

"Mm! Forbidden, technique. Very dangerous." Seriously, I was about 5 seconds away from plucking her off my head and hugging the crap out of her- "Mm! No! Focus!" "Alright, alright, you have my, nn! Attention." "Mm. Kitsune technique, fuses two beings together, allows the two to, mm! Allows gathering of nature chakra while moving, mm!" "You mean like that sage, Jiraiya?" "Mm! Yes! Imperfect, Sennin Mōdo! I gather nature chakra, mix into your chakra, becomes Sage chakra!" "That sounds… exceedingly dangerous-"

Sennin Mōdo was a well kept secret of certain animal contracts- next to nobody even knew it existed, let alone knew anything about it. But from what I had been able to gather, the practice of adding natural chakra into your own required deep chakra pools, and was a most certain no-no to try and do.

Something about turning into an animal, or a stone, or an animal stone, or some shit.

So needless to say, I did _not_ want any part of that.

"Mm. Yes. But, fire dragon, bad." Ah, so she stayed on to me so that she could force me into a state where I would go Sennin, but- "How would this, art, help against a , nn, fire construct?" "Mm. Sennin Mōdo, very powerful. Drastically increase Taijutsu, Genjutsu, Ninjutsu. Along with radical sensing capabilities, defensive prowess goes up too." "My _defensive prowess_ goes up to the point where, geh! A fire dragon hitting me full force feels akin to just cooking over a _grill_?!" "Mm! Yes." Holy shit- that IS powerful! Wait, she said sensing abilities as well, but what does that-

Oh wow, I could feel basically every living thing within at least a mile from here.

"This, Sennin Mōdo, really is powerful." Looking down at my hand, I clenched it. "You'll have to give me a full rundown on this, too… Once we are down battling. But for now, I do believe, nn! We'll go with that 'Or' from before."

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T SENSE HIS CHAKRA?!" "I-I don't know! Right after the dragon hit him, it just- vanished!" "VANISHED?! OH DEAR GOD, WE KILLED MY SENSEI!" "C-Calm down, Naruko, you're over reacting, I'm sure he's-" "NO, YOU CALM DOWN! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WANTED TO BE 'Extra precautious' AND SENT A DOZEN BALLS OF CHAKRA, TWO MASSIVE ASS BALLS OF FIRE, AND A FUCKING _DRAGON_ , MADE OF _FIRE_ , AT HIM WHILE HE WAS HELD DOWN WITH CHAKRA SUPPRESSORS!" "Hehe, yyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeah, I may have gone, _overboard_ , with that plan." "YEAH- YA DID! NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO EXPRESS MY TRUE FEELINGS TO HIM UNDER A STARRY NIGHT, WHILE WE EAT A ROMANTIC CANDLE LIT PICNIC!" "You already old me about a thousand times about that little- nn! Fantasy of yours, Naruko."

"Gah! He's alive! And he heard my speech! KILL THE FUCKER!"

It never ceases to amaze me how bipolar she can truly become.

"There! Out in the forest, I'll get him!" Chikara ran towards the par of the forest right where I was standing- "Wait, don't do it!"

Too late.

She crashed right into the figure right in front of me, shattering it it upon impact. "Puppets- you just gotta love 'em." As wood pieces flew through the air from when she broke the puppet, a single chakra thread(Green in color instead of the regular blue, and thicker than normal too-) caught the weapon the wooden construct was carrying before it was destroyed.

That weapon just to happened to be a massive hammer a single regular chakra thread wouldn't have been able to hold- which is why it was a good thing this one wasn't a normal thread. "Aw, his is gonna hurt-"

And she was then slammed into the ground, passing out in the crater she created.

"Shit! Alright, we need to stay calm, and rationalize-" "RAAAAAAh! I'M COMING FOR YOU, CHIKARA!" "-And there goes Kō-Chan. Great."

Zipping to where her sister had just disappeared to, the fox found her sister on the ground, unconscious. "Gah! Chi-Chan! What happened here?!" Looking around, she couldn't find a sign of what could have happened, except for a hammer just harmlessly hanging in the-

Oh.

"Four!" And another one went down as the foxes body landed right in front of a wide eyed Naruko and Shizen. "Ah, that felt nice; especially after that one incident with- with the feathers and, and whipped cream." God damn speech impediment was starting to piss me off! "S-Sensei? Why do are you talking like that and- why do you have whiskers?! And, is that a fox tail? And what's with those claws and that hair?!" "Don't ask, I don't know too much mys-self. As for the speaking, apparently Chūjitsuna's inability to speak is- nn! Is slowly rubbing off on me." "Wait- don't tell me you two performed Senpō: Honyūrui no jutsu?! Is that why I couldn't feel your chakra?" "Don't know if that's what it's called- but, but we are fused now, so whatever. Enough talk though, f-fight!" Crouching down on all fours, I made my way towards the two.

"Incoming!" As quickly as I had gotten there, the two jumped out of the way as I crashed into the spot they had previously been occupying, wincing as I got out of the heap on the ground I had made from trying to pounce on them.

"Shit! My body is starting to reject this form, I need to exit it soon, but if I do that, I'll be a sitting duck! And I can't lose- not after I made _that_ bet." I whispered as I tried to keep from shaking too much.

A while ago, back when I had only just started training Naruko in private, she had thought she could beat me with ease(Eventually, she reluctantly added-), and she made me bet that when she did beat me, I would, you guessed it- marry her.

And don't get me wrong, I knew she was going places, with her natural strength and will, not to mention her skills as a Ninja, she would no doubt impact this world majorly, and even without all of that, she was a very kind individual with probably the best sense of righteousness I had ever seen in all the years I've lived(Unlived…?), there was just a small problem with that, though.

 _I STILL REFUSED TO SEX UP A 12 YEAR OLD!_

"F-Fuck it! One last attack! Chūjitsuna, back me, nnnnnnnARGH! BACK ME UP!" Setting up the hand seals for one of my favorite techniques, I could see the two across the clearing start to panic, and Naruko started to do hand signs as quickly as she could. "LET'S SEE HOW GOOD YOU'VE REALLY GOTTEN, NARUKO- KATON: GŌKA MEKKYAKU!" Inhaling, I opened my mouth and released a torrent of flames, so hot that it actually burned my lips and singed the hair that fell over my forehead on the exhale.

"HOLY SHIT?! Are you TRYING to kill us?!" "FUCK YOU! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME WITH FIVE DIFFERENT KINDS OF JUTSU JUST TEN MINUTES AGO!" "GAH! Shi-Chan, water, now!" "Alright, Naru-Chan, lets go!" I'm not sure how, but that tiny fox released a Suiton: Daibakufu no Jutsu so large in capacity I doubted I could have created one that big as the two monolithic jutsu crashed into each other.

"Nau-Chan/Chūjitsuna, wind, NOW!" They each blew high speed winds into the techniques which only increased each jutsu's deadliness as the water wave increased in sped and concussive force, and the fire increased in power and wide spread destruction.

"Fūsui Rappa!" "Kaatsu-sa shōmetsu!"

To be perfectly honest, I was surprised no one came to see what the hell was up with the gigantic water and fire collision wave that could be seen from even Konoha- I don't care if you couldn't sense the damn thing because of the seals I placed before hand, if I saw a giant fire wall and a massive water wave hit each other, I'd want to see what the hell was going down!

"Nnnn!" Not knowing if the fire really could beat the water jutsu, I quickly started to spew more flames onto the fire, as I was sure the same was being done on the other side of the field.

Pretty soon, both the fire and the water were evaporated, leaving only an extremely dense and intensely hot steam that was almost as hot as that dragon that hit me in the forest. Knowing I had maybe a minute, at best, to finish before the after effects of using too much sage chakra finally hit me, I made my way towards the last two combatants on all fours, forgoing stealth for pure speed as I blazed towards them.

"Shit; Naru-Chan, get out of here, he's-" She didn't get to finish before she had to jump in the air to avoid a punch to the face, but some mystical force had extended from my shoulder to reach out and hit her with as much force- if not more- as my punch would have, sending her careening out of the smog, finished. Not letting the other person catch their breath, I grabbed a Kunai from my pouch(Also somehow intact, and not melted like it should have been-), and threw it at Naruko.

"Like hell-" Tilting her head, she narrowly dodged the kunai as it whizzed by her ear, only for my hand to grasp the hilt and hold it against her neck. "Nnnnnnnnnn, over." Growling, I put the kunai back in my pouch as the fusion finally lifted, making all the animal features fully disappear as I landed on the ground, fully wiped out, and Chūjitsuna soon followed as she landed on the ground above my head, and passed out.

"No fair, Sensei! Every time it looks like I'll win, you always pull some new move or mode out of your ass to turn the tide!" Pouting the girl sat down next to me, also exhausted after that fight. "Man, now I'm tired too- had to half of my chakra to summon those 4, plus the rest basically was spent on powering up techniques to match your OP ass ones! And- you're sleeping aren't you?" A snore met her question. "Gah, you're unbearable, but I suppose I am tired too." Hearing her get up, I cracked an eye to see her gather the rest of the foxes, and set them down near their victorious sister as the only hoomahn female near me laid next to me, and promptly fell asleep.

"Hmph. You sure are something else, kid. I can only sit and wait for what you'll do to impress me next." I whispered as the girl snuggled up closer to me. "But for now, I guess I'll just have to deal with our little _guest_ , if she'd be so kind as to exit her hiding spot." "Hearing a rustle, I looked to the left as the female Uchiha on my students team jumped from the tree line. "I'd say get on with what you want to say, but seeing as how you're an Uchiha, let me guess- 'Train me.'?"

Silence was the only answer.

"Not gonna lie, was hoping the fangirl would be the one to rear her ugly head and ask for it… God knows she needs it."


	3. Officer, I can explain the dead body-

**This chapter was a long time coming- and it's finally here(Thank god!).**

 **Now, I don't know exactly which story I will be updating next after this one is uploaded, so it will be a nice surprise for you to figure out once I do.**

 **Now read the story, and BASK in the greatness of your SENPAI!**

 **BASK IN IT!**

"You know, I am starting to believe that Kasu is just a major whore." I scratched my chin with the hand not holding my book as I walked through the village's main street, which was already full and bustling with life as people moved on with their day. "You know, if I actually read this for the plot, I would TOTALLY have given up on this months ago." I turned the page as I, myself, turned, heading into an alleyway. "Doesn't help the fact that I am so _bored_! Gah, ever since Naruko and the Uchiha left for that stupid C-Rank last week, I've been bored out of my wits! And I can't leave the village to go to one of my usual places, because I already _VISITED_ them! Seriously, I need something to do or so help me-" I quickly lifted my hand with the book, and promptly shut it.

Right on the tanto that was very dangerously close to stabbing me through the face.

"Well, that demand was answered rather swiftly." Looking to see who was holding the sword, the short(Had to to be a kid with that height-) figure was covered in a tattered blue cloak, leaving nothing but their hands free- both of which were desperately struggling to inch the sword forward enough to pierce my skull. "So, you gonna tell me who you are, why you're here, and who sent you, or am I going to have to just beat the answers out of you?" The person seemed to think on that for a second, before they just yanked the sword out of my book and leapt back, only to spring back forward again, attempting to slice me in half.

"Suppose it wouldn't be a story if you actually _did_."

I kicked back out of the range of the tanto, and decided to reveal my _own_ sword. "Hope you're ready, because you're about to get split in half by my _sword_." Nothing creeped people out like dirty innuendos. Pulling out my sheathe from the inside of my coat(Say what you will about the monstrosity- it held a LOT of room to hide things in.), I set my book in a pocket as I then pulled the blade out of it with the other hand, dual wielding the sheath and blade together.

The ninja stiffened after looking over the blade for a few seconds. "That blade…! It has the Hatake clan symbol on it, which would no doubt make it-" "The White Light Chakra Saber, yep." God, that was a stupid name for a sword if I've ever heard one-

And I have, because I literally used to own a sentient one!

"I see… That would make you responsible for Hatake Kakashi's disappearance years ago, wouldn't it?" "Maybe, maybe not-" Or entirely, _yes_. "-But you won't find that out just standing there, now will you?" I banged the sword against the sheathe in a makeshift gong. "Now fight!" Not waiting for an answer, I sprinted forward, and stabbed towards the ninja, creating a white pole of light that almost got them, but it wasn't meant to be as it only met air as said ninja jumped from their original position onto a side wall. "Oooooooh, you actually dodged that one." I grinned as I appeared above the now shocked person on the wall, and slammed the butt-end of my sword into(What I'm hoping was-) their face, sending them flying back into the ground, and into a few garbage cans. "Guess I'll just have to make sure you don't do it again though, eh?" Idly swinging both the weapons in my hand like nun-chucks, I slowly made my way down the wall and to the garbage cans directly below me. "Now then, you ready to-" I was cut off as suddenly, from the cans, a giant white tiger pounced out at me, only to be decapitated soon after as my sword once again arced white and cut off the things head, spewing-

INK everywhere?

"Well, on the bright side, PETA ain't got nothing to bitch at me for now." I mused as two MORE ink creations popped up from the same place, only this time, they were snakes that crawled up the wall to come and strangle me. "Yeah- don't think so." Taking the sheathe, I carefully lined up my shot, then swung it. "Four!" After swiftly swinging the sheathe, the two ink creatures were sent flying back to their creator, who finally jumped out from the hiding place that was the trash cans, as the snakes slammed into their previous position. "Phew- that was a close one, wasn't it?" The ninja looked to their left, only to find me with my arm draped across their shoulders. "Man, this guy is just, too, _good_ \- it's almost like he's not even trying to kick your ass, and yet, he is! It makes a guy want to give up and just blow all their secrets out into the open, don't it?" The sword careening towards my head told me they thought otherwise.

"No one can make it easy in this world, can they?" I dryly commented to myself as I deflected the half-assed swing with my sheathe, and followed it up with my own swing form my own sword, one they couldn't quite escape fast enough, which allowed their cloak to get cut open in the process. "Really- they send a _kid_ after me? Wow, I am feeling seriously underestimated here." Beneath the cloak, was actually a kid not too much older than Naruko herself was. The kid had silky black hair, which complimented the _pale ass skin_ the kid was rocking, a sort of black half jacket that only reached below the chest area with red straps over the shoulders, leaving even _more_ pale, gangly skin revealed around the stomach area, then they had matching black pants with black ninja sandals and gloves that only had three fingers covered up, leaving the index and thumbs uncovered. And to top off the weird image, the kid was carrying art supplies, and had a particularly large scroll across their lower back; not quite as huge as a summoning scroll, but still large nonetheless.

"But seriously- could whoever sent you not afford to send anyone more competent or something?" "Who sent me and what they could do is the _least_ of your worries." "Mmm, no, no, they are _definitely_ pretty high up there at the moment- I mean really, a KID?!" "The people who sent me know about you and what you did; they know you have done something to Hatake Kakashi, and they are not pleased. Sharingan no Kakashi was a valuable asset to the village, and was crucial in playing up the villages strength; however, he seems to have been disposed of, and not only that, the eye he got his name sake from appears to have also been stolen and placed in the hands of a foreigner, which is unacceptable." "Oh, _joy_ , one of Danzo's pet projects. Look, I have a busy schedule that I need to keep up with-" "You were _just_ screaming out out loud about how bored you were because you had nothing to do." "-Very, very busy indeed. And I don't have time for your silly games-" "I'm trying to _kill_ you." "-That you are losing very badly at, so why don't you just run along, back to Danzo's lap where you belong, and _maybe_ I won't hunt you down in the future and maim you horribly, okay?" A sword passing by my now tilted head was all the reply I got.

"I do so hate you ninja's and your _persistence_."

Quickly moving into the child's guard, I headbutted them. As soon as they stumbled back a bit, dazed, I moved my sheathe in a flash and disarmed them by smashing it into their sword wielding hand, causing them to let go and for it to be sent flying across the rooftops to somewhere(Could have sworn I heard a yelp and a yell of 'Kiba!' though from where it had more than likely landed-). "Well, your swords gone, so- now what?" As soon as I had let the sentence go out of my mouth, I regretted it as a pair of hungry looking… I don't even know WHAT to call them(They looked like some kind of fucked up kids drawing of a lion- this kid needs to go back to art class, seriously.) came out of the scroll the kid had unraveled, and started attacking me.

God _damn_ did I hate Kekkei Genkai!

… Excluding the one behind my sweatband, obviously, but you get the point-

Slicing one in half with a ray of light before anyone could blink, I dodged a swipe from the other one, ducking under _another_ swipe, before just stabbing my sword into it's stomach, heaving it up with a grunt(For things made out of ink, these constructs weighed _a LOT_!) and throwing it to the side to bleed out to death(Or, ink to death, I don't know, it gets confusing after only so long.). Looking over to where I had left the kid to deal with the beasts, though, revealed that they had somehow escaped.

"Tch, god damn it… Oh well, that just gives me more time for Kasu, Jill, and a MASSIVE bottle of lotion."

* * *

" _I have returned from the mission, Leader-Sama." "Report."_

 _Inside the hidden room of some undisclosed base, the failed-assassin started to give their report to their ring-leader in the dark expanse of the room as the leader sat on a throne to overlook whoever may come to see him at any time._

" _Of course, Leader-Sama. From what I have seen of the perpetrator, they are very skilled; too skilled, in fact. I was unable to land even a singular glancing blow upon him before I was forced to retreat." "I see… Tell me, what did you witness of his skills and power?" "He is immensely strong, Leader-Sama. With but one casual hit to my face, I was disoriented for several seconds; if not for his carelessness, I would surely be captured, or worse, dead." "Hmph. As expected of someone who could take out a ninja of Hatake Kakashi's magnitude." The room was quiet for several more seconds as the leader thought on this news. "Is there anything else I should know about before making future plans for this hooligan?" "Yes. It would also appear that, just as you'd feared, the foreign Shinobi has acquired the Sharingan from the body of Hatake Kakashi, if the way he covers up his left eye, and ONLY his left eye is of any indication." "I see… That is, troubling." "Do you wish me to dispose of him immediately, Leader-Sama?" "No- I doubt you would be able to do much of anything against this foe, anyways. I'll have to send over a more senior member to take care of him. But before that- is that absolutely everything that you have gathered from this enemy of Konoha?"_

 _The operative seemed to hesitate for a second, before finally speaking. "No… During my duel with him, when he saw that I, too, had a sword, he brought out his own to clash with mine. Normally, that wouldn't mean much, other than the fact that he can fight with Kenjutsu among his already unknown arsenal of fighting powers, but, the sword… I asked about it, he confirmed it; and then used it against me. It was definitely the Hakkō Chakura Tō." The leaders breath hitched when he heard the name of the sword. "This does not bode well for Konoha; not only has he taken a Kekkei Genkai from one of our village's clan, off of one of our MIA Shinobi, but he has ALSO taken a prized possession of ANOTHER one of our clans! What I don't understand, however, is how he is able to utilize the weapon, when no one but a Hatake should be able to use the blade, unless-" Even though no one could see it, the eyes of both the occupants in the room widened._

" _-Unless we were dealing with a rogue Hatake member." The older of the pair murmured to himself in thought as the other member in the room kneeled quietly, awauiting further orders. "Hm. Hmmmmmm. While this could end in disaster, we could also use this to our advantage." "Leader-Sama…?" "I have a new mission for you, agent." "Of course, Leader-Sama. What is my mission?" "I want you to get closer to this unknown Hatake; whether it be incognito so that he can't tell who you actually are, or if you have to grovel on your knees for forgiveness and act as a slave for him, you are to get as close as possible to him, and keep tabs on everything he does. Not only that, but I want you to, as subtly as possible, convince him to join the side of Konoha in all of it's endeavors. And if it is apparent that task is impossible, you are to at least convince him to meet with me, so that I may deal with him myself… Am I clear?" The Shinobi, if at all possible, kneeled even further to the ground in reverence._

" _Perfectly so. I understand what this entails, and I will ensure that I accomplish it to the best of my abilities… Setsumei-Sama."_

* * *

"Outlandish hand-to-hand combat? Poultry magic spells? Superfluous weapon arsenals? Pffft, the illusions that bend reality to what I see fit are easily my favorite thing about this dimension so far." I turned a page of my book as I laid back in my hammock on the outskirts of an abandoned training field(Abandoned, as in, there was literally nothing but overgrowth, dirt, trees, and cracked boulders as far as the eye could see- that's saying something, as I have an enhanced, mutated one.) as the tied up Ne agent sat next to the hammock, still under the effects of my Genjutsu. "I find it cute that the little fella thought they could escape me with a simple distraction like _ink blots_ \- I've killed more ink blots than an average therapist shows his patients in a YEAR!" I snorted and went back to my reading afterwards. "Oh, Kasu-Chan, if only you were real- then I could ask you why you are such a slut." "It's because perverted teammates like making dirty books on what they can't get in the first place." "Huh. I wouldn't exactly know myself, as I am pretty much a man whore-"

Slowly, I turned around in my hammock to meet the gaze of one of the Sannin of Konoha.

Though the staring contest didn't last long, as soon my gaze lowered to the bountiful sight of her milky white globes.

"Eyes up here, buddy." Right- "Sorry, force of habit- wait, wait, WAIT!" I jumped off my hammock and landed directly behind it, only just now figuring out the implications of why she would be here. "What the hell is a one of the Densetsu no Sannin doing out here in the middle of nowhere?!" "Well, I _was_ just walking down an alley in Konoha to get to one of the more… Shadier, bars I know about; when all of a sudden, I see a strange man carrying an unconscious child across their back, going towards one of the gates to leave the village, and I, being the good samaritan I was, followed them, to make sure nothing was going to happen to the child, and here I am now- seeing you read terrible smut while the kid is tied up and knocked out cold on the floor, on the outskirts of some abandoned training ground; so you tell _me_ why I'm here." "Uh… To kick my ass for keeping you from drinking your ass off?" "Damn straight!"

Now why couldn't every other woman I met be as forward as this chick here?!

"Hey, can't I just, like, pay for your drinks or something and be on my way- earlier today I would have thought this was a godsend, but I think I've gotten in enough action and drama for today, and I just wanna sit back and read my porn- I mean literature, in peace." "Sorry, buddy, but not only did you apparently kidnap a child, but more importantly, you ruined one of the only days off I had off from my annoying students!" I blinked. "Weird, this was one of my only days off from MY students as well." "Really? Then I'm not the only one who finds them absolutely god _awful_ right?" "Ah hell no- they are so whiny! Always complaining I don't pay them enough attention, and then when I finally do, they start bitching about how much I'm suffocating them!" "And how they keep begging you for new techniques to learn, even though they haven't even gotten down the ones you ALREADY taught them-" " _Exactly_! No matter how hard you try to tell them, they just keep wanting more and more, and yet they don't listen to a thing you say about how they aren't ready for them, and will only take 'New moves' as an answer." "Oh my god, _yes_! All of the yes! That is spot on!" "Yeah… Yeeeah." I sighed as I jumped over the lady and landed in the middle of the overgrown training ground.

"Don't suppose you, just wanna, call this off, would ya?" "Normally, I would be all for it, and just go for some drinks to mellow things out… Buuuuuut, you _kind_ of have a bounty out on your head inside the village, that anyone Jonin or higher must at least attempt to apprehend you if they see you on sight." "Hokage?" "Hokage." But of course. "And, if I may be so bold as to ask, _why_ do I have a bounty on my head?" "Don't know, I'm a little fuzzy on the details, but it has something to do with a missing Elite Jonin, stolen village secrets, and one of his daughters." Okay, that just makes me out to be a murdering thief who kidnapped the village leaders daughter- which I am not!

Well, I didn't take the daughter, at least…

"Alright, fine, how about this; we rough each other up a bit, so no one gets suspicious if they see me with you, and THEN we go out for drinks." "Heh, sounds like a plan, though-" She grinned and cracked her knuckles as she soon pounded the ground, causing it to completely shatter(And even disintegrate where she directly punched at!) the ground around her, and showing me just what I was in for. "I plan to rough you up more than a _bit_." "Heh, it seems _someone_ didn't get the memo that I am as masochistic as your darling teammate." Fishing out a Kunai from one of my pouches, I met the Sannin head on, clashing against her recently made 'Chakura no Mesu'. Grunting as the scalpel slowly overpowered my swing, I took it up a notch and lashed out with my foot, delivering a swift kick to Tsunade's shin as she herself grunted and stepped back from our power struggle, giving me the time to jump back and throw some Shuriken at her.

Which she completely blocked by just shattering the ground beneath her again, causing the bits of dried, clumped up dirt to block the projectiles as they jumped up into the air.

"Okay, throwing Kunai, Shuriken, and Senbon are out." I muttered to myself as I went through a few handsigns and blew out a decently sized fireball in her direction, which was ALSO completely useless, as she just jumped into it and blew it away with her _fist_. "And it would appear giant balls of fire aren't necessarily super effective on her, either." God, did I hate the 'Kunoichi' type- everything was not very effective against it! "And she's proclaimed around the world as the best medic to have ever lived, so all my medical knowledge is about as useful as this _rock_." Which I took the time to pick up and throw at her.

Suffice to say, the boulder was now many baby rocks splattered around the training ground.

"And I also don't think the greatest medic in the world will have any issues with illusions or puppets, somehow." Jumping onto a tree, away from her line of sight, I tree walked(Well, more like tree _ran_ -) up the thing, and hid myself in the foliage. "I also don't want to actually _hurt_ her, so using my swords are also out. And then there's the fact that she has more strength than god damn _Superman_ \- HOLY SHIT!" I stumbled on the branch that I was on, as Tsunade found where I was hiding, and literally ripped the tree from the ground, and sent the top half(The part I was in-) slamming into the ground.

Luckily, I managed to jump before it broke into splinters, but it also put me near the crazy strong, freak ninja lady; enough so, that my elbow rubbed up against _two_ glorious, soft objects.

"KYAAA! PERVERT!"

Okay, perhaps that was _too_ close.

"Wait, I can explain this-" I didn't actually get to explain it, as one second I was backing away from the pissed Kunoichi, and then the next, I was lying on my back(Which was absolutely ACHING by the way-), staring at the sky with a terrible pain in my stomach, and toppled trees surrounding the floor on which I laid. "Ouch."

That's it- no more Mr. Nice Gai!

Heh, puns.

Jumping onto my hands, I helicopter kicked the charging woman in the stomach, sending her away as I charged up chakra into my arm, coating it in blue lightning. "Raijū Tsuiga!" Throwing my hand out towards the recovering ninja, the lightning covering my arm lashed out, taking the form of, you guessed it, a lightning beast that seemed to snarl as it charged at fast speeds towards its target. Tsunade attempted to just disperse the lightning like she had with the fire ball, but got a shocking surprise(Okay, I'll stop with the puns now-) when all it did was give the almost sentient chakra construct an easier time hitting her, sending bolts of lightning spreading across her body as it exploded into her stomach. "Sorry, Tsunade-Hime, but you can't disperse a technique with your godlike chakra control when I am constantly streaming my own chakra into it to ensure it doesn't go capute like that fireball did." Not giving her the few seconds it would take to get full control back of her nerves after that lightning escapade, I sprinted towards her and formed my own scalpel.

"Sorry about this-" Knowing she wasn't known as the best medic nin in the world for nothing, I took advantage of the fact she could easily heal whatever damage I might inflict onto her later, after the fight, and started going to town on her body with the chakra scalpel. "Shoulder, elbow, wrist-" Slashing intricately into the mentioned areas as she grunted and slowly lifted her leg to kick me away, I moved on. "Knee, calf, ankle-" Once again slashing into her body before she could fully recover; this time, the lower half, I went on to the most important part as she dropped to her knees. "And, lastly, the control center of the body, the brain." Moving the hand not occupied by chakra, I tapped Tsunade's head with a bit of lightning enhanced chakra, causing her to finally fall over onto the ground, useless to the world, like a puppet without anyone to control it. "Phew, those anatomy lessons actually paid off for once- still don't regret not paying for the rest of the semester." Looking down at the now wiggling Tsunade, I couldn't help but watch her struggle, wanting to see if she could somehow get control back of her body, and somehow heal the now ruined limbs while she was at it.

The fact her bewbs were flopping about, also, had basically everything to do with me watching.

"So, you are also, a, Gh! Medic ninja, huh?" "Yeah, well, I was originally just going to train more in the art of Genjutsu and puppetry, but, Iryōjutsu was in the neighborhood, and I decided to drop on by for a visit." Dear lord, the way she was laying on the floor made her breasts pop out all the more than what they were before- and that was already a lot to begin with! "I can tell, nn! While you seem rather, proficient, you aren't to the level a high class medic nin like my, grah! Like my students are!" "Meh… I'm more for the _destructive_ side of the ninja spectrum anyway…" Normally, I would argue that I am better than anyone(Because I _obviously_ am-) in everything I do, but the way she was currently struggling, made her massive mammaries _jiggle_ , and I would be lying if I said it wasn't slowly hypnotizing me. "Oh yeah, I could tell with the way you almost completely destroyed my nervous system with that lightning technique of yours." "Yeah, well, it took a lot of… Well, I wouldn't say training, as it's basically always been second nature to me, but, sure." Oh my sweet Jesus, she was pressing them together with her arms now! She was such a tease, it was almost as if she was doing it on purp-

Oh.

"Tsūtenkyaku!" Tsunade suddenly used her hands(You know, the ones that shouldn't be able to _move_ -) to springboard herself above me as I quickly lifted my sweatband up as she lowered her heel on my position(Which, again, _shouldn't have been moving_!). "This is gonna-" I didn't get to finish as the edge of her heel tapped onto my forehead before I could fully become intangible, causing me to go flying as the rest of her kick slammed into the ground, causing a MASSIVE crater to form into the training ground(I'm suddenly wondering if I should have left the Ne kid alone on the ground, tied up in a Genjutsu.), wrecking the almost the entire place as I slammed into a tree, toppling it over as I slammed into another one after _that_ … And then another one… And another… And another… Let's just say the forest lost about 3 dozen trees, and I gained a concussion that day.

"Did, anyone get the number of the ninja that rammed me?" I got up out of the pile of trees that fell onto me and shook my aching head(Oh look- blood! Now it looks like I'm a wet dog shaking off the water on my coat… Except this time, it's a hoomahn, and instead of water, it's lots and lots of blood.). "I'd tell you my ID number, but that's basically the same thing as asking a lady her age in the Kunoichi biz." Looking over to where I could vaguely make out the shape of the slug princess(Sorry, YOU try getting hit in the forehead with an ungodly powerful chakra heel kick while blood flows down your head and into your eyes, and still be able to see straight immediately after.), I shakily lifted a hand filled with a white orb to the growing wound on my head. "Okay, while I admit your magnificent chest got the better of me, there is no way you should have been able to shake off the effects of my chakra in your system AND heal the key points I cut on your body in that amount of time, especially when I was watching you the whole time; best medic nin in the world or not."

Okay, maybe I was only watching certain _aspects_ of her body- but still!

"I did it, with the Sōzō Saisei, the peak of medical ninjutsu the world has ever seen, the ultimate technique of any medic nin and the reason I am the exception of the 3 main rules any medical Shinobi needs to follow when on the battlefield." "Creation Rebirth…?" "The first clause, ' _No medic ninja shall ever stop medical treatment until the lives of their party members have come to an end._ '; the second clause, ' _No medic ninja shall ever stand on the front lines._ ', the third clause, ' _No medic ninja shall ever die until they are the last of their platoon._ '- all are to be followed to the letter… Unless you are apart of the fourth clause; ' _Only those medic ninja who have mastered the_ Ninpō Sōzō Saisei — Byakugō no Jutsu _of the ninja art_ Sōzō Saisei _are permitted to discard the above-mentioned laws._ ' and as the only person with the Sōzō Saisei, I am currently the only exception to those 3 rules." "Okay, while you can blabber on all day about this crud, I still have no idea what the hell that technique is-" "The Sōzō Saisei is a technique that, when utilized, can instantaneously heal any wound on the body; whether it be a stab wound, a whole body being burned, or even the failure of an organ, it can and will heal the afflicted injury and stave off any further harm the person using the technique may suffer. With it activated, I am all but immortal."

Oh boy, I get to fight ANOTHER person with an immortality kick.

Why do all these ninja have to try to become immortal; what the fuck is wrong with being mortal, huh?!

"Immortal- I find that hard to believe. How does this 'Sōzō Saisei' of yours work, anyway?" There's gotta be a kickback to a move that 'Apparently' makes you impervious to death. "The technique works in the way that whenever cells in my body die, my chakra works overtime to create new ones to replace the now dead ones, effectively making any damage you could do to me while it is activated useless." Wait- "Hold up; you actively _allow_ your body to re-create cells to replace the dead ones?!" "Yes-" "What are you, _insane_?! Do you know how many years you are shaving off your life by doing that- let me tell ya, it's A LOT!" "I do know the consequences, yes; but in the end, the dozens of lives that I save with this jutsu are a lot more important than a few years off of my own life span." "Huh. I _really_ didn't take you for one of those noble idiots, Tsunade-Hime. You seemed more the cynical type that only acts when it is absolutely necessary… Or when they get _paid_ enough." "And I used to be like that, it's true… But the deaths of the ones closest to you will change anyone; for better _or_ worse."

Man, not a thousand words back I was only thinking about bewbs, and now we got to this shit?

Why is it every time I want to get bewbs, the universe must make me choose between being the perverted dick or the sympathetic older brother?!

Deciding not to do either because of the repercussions(Either a swift kick to the dick and a pervert beating or a hysteric blonde Sannin crying her eyes out on my shoulder while my eardrums burst from the sobbing-), I removed my hand from my head, finally being able to see properly, as I sped toward the woman as she leapt back, getting ready to fight again. "Well, anyway- if you wanted to save more lives, why not think of something, oh I don't know, less LIFE THREATENING?!" "You don't think I've tried?" She growled as she sent a punch forward, but I deftly ducked under it, hitting her with my own punch to her stomach, but it did hardly anything to phase her. "Iryōjutsu is a complicated art, _boy_ , and seeing as how you have some kind of training in it, you should know that too!" Jumping as she spun a kick at me, I grabbed onto her shoulders and slammed her into the ground, but in doing so I also received a super strength elbow to the cheek, sending me flying into the air.

"I do-" Getting my bearings back, I flipped in the air, prepared to meet Tsunade(Who was standing right where I would soon land-) head on. "-But in reality, I guess I also have an unfair advantage over everyone else as well, so it about evens out the true difficulty in learning Iryōjutsu." Seeing the woman below grit her teeth and prepare a fist(Which was just SATURATED in chakra-), I created my own fist, and started to do the same. "You wanna tussle? Then come on!" Roaring as I dropped the last few dozen feet in the air, I dropped my fist onto Tsunade's awaiting fist, creating a giant sonic boom as the two fists(One an unmovable object, and the other an unstoppable force-) collided. But not only that, as a force of wind blew behind me from the force of our collision, and _another_ crater(Craterception…?) formed under Tsunade for the same reason as well as we fought to make the other surrender. Soon enough, though, the chakra coating our fists dissipated as Tsunade fell to the ground, and I was not too far off from doing the same.

"This-hurts-indefinitely!" I cradled my hand as I rolled on the ground, writhing in pain. Then I heard a sigh, as a hand gripped my own. "Here, let me." Looking over, Tsunade was crouched down as she used the Shōsen Jutsu on my broken wrist, hand, fingers(You, you know what- just everything, because at this point, that's what's broken.) with the hand that hadn't just attempted to murder me.

But speaking of the hand that tried to feed me(A knuckle sandwich-)...

"Shouldn't you heal that hand of yours first?" And with good reason- while my entire hand was broken, hers was absolutely _mangled_. "Well, I _would_ , but it would appear as if _someone_ broke my hand beyond belief and I'm afraid to channel chakra into it to accelerate the healing process for fear of forever damaging my Tenketsu!" Heh, oops? "Yeah, not gonna lie, don't know why your hand got off worse than mine on that one- I was actually expecting to not have two after what I did." "... You mean you didn't _know what the FUCK YOU WERE DOING_?!" "Ah, not at all. No- in fact, I don't think I have ever attempted anything as ballsy or as stupid as that in all my years of living if I were being honest." "If my unoccupied hand wasn't totally busted right now, I would be giving you the neutering I promised my teammate years ago if he ever peeped on me for this shit!" "Ma, ma, calm down, nothing too terrible happened; at least neither of us retained any damage that could be called _permanent_ -" "YOU ASS, MY ENTIRE HAND'S CHAKRA COILS ARE FUCKED BECAUSE OF YOU, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THIS IS GONNA TAKE TO FIX!" "Oh relax, already. All that happened to it was the chakra coils getting blasted with too much chakra; it's the same as if you used a jutsu and overpowered it with too much chakra to the point that it over extended your coils, only this is a more severe case, but even _then_ , it won't take longer than a day or two to heal enough to allow chakra to flow back into the damn thing with the proper treatment, you big baby." "Oh, _right_ , like I'm going to listen to YOU about anything of medical importance!" "Well, you should, unless you want to go into the village with a mangled ass hand and have to be treated by someone there and tell them all about how you apparently got your ass handed to you by some young upstart-" "Oi!" Tsunade growled and attempted to lift her fist up unconsciously to smack me a new one, but then finally noticed my good hand was already filled with chakra and was working on her hand as we talked.

"H-Hey! What are you doing with my hand?! I don't trust you enough for this kind of thing; I need go to the village first and have one of those Hyuuga or Uchiha look at it with their eyes first before-" And at this point, she noticed the raised eyebrow over the revealed Sharingan in my eye socket(About time-). "You rang, _madam_?" "S-Sh-Sharingan?! But how- you aren't a Uchiha! Wait, that missing ninja, he was Kakashi Hatake! Which means you DID have something to do with his disappearance!" "Eh, sort of. But before you say anything, I didn't steal this thing off his corpse if that's what you're thinking. It was more of a… _Parting_ gift before he passed on." "But-But he disappeared years ago, fending off some creature to save one of Minato's brats! The only way you could have gotten it was-" "Let me ask you; did they ever find the body?" "W-Well, I'm not too sure, I didn't pay very much attention at the briefing-" "Exactly, which would mean…?" "That… He didn't die at the site. But, why would he leave before more ANBU arrived to give him medical treatment- he could have lived!" "No, he received a grievous wound against that massive Ninja Turtle; he only had minutes left to live without a full on medical procedure, which ANBU wouldn't have been able to give him. He was dead as soon as he got that wound, so he did the only thing he wanted to do before he died…" I stood up and rubbed my sore wrist as Tsunade finished my healing and I finished doing what I could to hers(Eh. At least now she could use it to actually pick up a bottle of sake or roll some dice-) and grabbed her hand and stood her up as well soon after.

"Which was…?" "Eh, maybe I'll tell you when you're older- you seem a bit too young to hear the rest of the tale." I teased her as she gave me a flat stare. "Ha, ha. Very funny; let's see if Minato finds it as hilarious as me." "The Hokage? Sorry Tsunade-Hime, I don't really feel like explaining myself to him right now- you know, places to fuck over, women to ogle, books that haven't been read yet-"

Wait for me, Kasu-Chan- you and your delicious ta-tas!

"Yeah, I think that option was taken out of your hands the minute you said you had anything to do with the disappearance of Sharingan no Kakashi." She seemed amused as she pointed behind me. "Wha-" Looking back(And up a little, because the crater _was_ rather prominent in the ground.), I found a single Sharingan eye spinning rapidly, clearly not in the mood for any of my shit. "Aha, _that's_ what is funny… So do I get my single phone call now, or my rights given to me so I know what you can and can't do, or maybe a lawyer, preferably Jewish- or some Jack Daniels, because I feel like I'm gonna need it after this crap fest begins."

* * *

"Okay, _ow_. Geez, you ANBU folks REALLY no go gentle, don't ya?" Walking a bit faster after one of the four ANBU stationed around me(Boar, Cat, Ox, and… I think a _bear_ \- I have no idea what the fuck masks these guys are pushing out onto ANBU members these days, but holy shit, if they confuse me, they'll confuse anybody.) pushed me with the but of his sword, I adjusted my grip on the _still_ unconscious Ne member(Seriously, the kids been out of it for well over 4 hours now- my Genjutsu shouldn't have been lasting that long; especially when they fucking suppressed my chakra damn it!) as best I could with a pair of handcuffs around my wrists and behind my back as we all walked into the Hokage tower. "Man, I didn't know what to expect from the ANBU once they found me-" Okay, that was a lie, but still. "-And maybe asking for the VIP treatment is a bit much, but this is entirely ridiculous." I mused to myself more than the walking statues around me as we arrived to the secretary of the Hokage.

"Well, helloooooooo, nurse!" I grinned and leaned down to eye level with the rather hot looking Kunoichi behind the desk. She looked to be around 19, maybe even 20, with long, platinum blonde hair cascading down her back all the way to the middle of it, wearing a Konoha headband on her forehead that seemed to match her icy blue eyes and light blue earrings shaped in the Uzumaki spiral, while she had a navy blue battle dress covering most of her body(Leaving the legs and most of her cleavage exposed- score!) that ended just short of the knees, and fishnet stockings covered the skin that was visible while her arms also were covered in similar dressings, and to top it off, smack dab in the middle of the clothing, was an Uzumaki clan symbol. "You know, you remind me of someone I know, actually- both of you are beautiful, and while the other one still has some growing to do, you are just _ripe_ for the plucking! But still, I feel like I should know you from somewhere- were you at Anko's Christmas party last year?" My grin widened as the woman gave me a stare. "You were, weren't you? THAT'S how I know you!" "That or the fact I am the Hokage's daughter."

Oooh, swing and a miss.

"Or that too, sure." I slumped as the head ANBU gave a nod at the woman. "Is Hokage-Sama ready for us, Kiyoshi-Sama?" "Yes, the Hokage and his guests will see you now." Wait, his _guests_? "Agh! Alright, alright, enough with the shoving! Geez, you're being more aggressive to me than Jin was to Haruka and Lira in Icha Icha: Tactics!" I huffed as I was shoved at the front of the set of doors that lead into the Hokage's office. Watching the lead ANBU take point, _again_ , as he knocked on the mahogany doors(Because what _else_ would the doors leading to the most powerful figure in the village and second most in all of Hi no Kuni be made out of?) and a call of 'Enter!' sounded from inside as I was _very_ unceremoniously shoved again, this time falling to the floor as the doors pushed aside and I fell to the ground in front of the Hokage's desk.

"Hate you. Hate you all with every shred of my being." Grunting as I picked myself up off the floor, I stood up, placed my foot under the unconscious body that was also on the floor, and kicked the kid up into the air, catching them on the descent with my shoulder. Looking around after, I just got raised eyebrows from everyone in the room. "What, no praise, no applause, not even a cookie?" Seeing them not moving, I shook my head. "Sheesh, I've had better reception at funerals." "Well, he certainly _talks_ like Kakashi." The Hokage sweatdropped slightly, before shaking his own head. "But, onto the _serious_ matters."

"I thought this whole thing was a serious matter though?" I picked my ear with my pinky as everyone stared at me as if I had grown an extra head. "What?" "Weren't you just _cuffed_ a second ago?" "Was I? I never bothered to take notice." Seeing their charge free from his bindings, the ANBU in the room moved to recapture him, only to fall to the ground in one big heap as they found out exactly _where_ the cuffs that were originally on me and the Ne agent had gone.

Okay, so maybe Naruko rubbed off on me _more_ than I had first imagined when I dismissed the thought.

"Okay, I'd be more surprised if this kid _wasn't_ related to Kakashi than if he was at this point." Obito removed his mask from his face and face palmed as he sighed. I hadn't seen him in what felt like forever, but even then, Obito looked exactly like I last saw him; ANBU outfit, Crow mask, and even the hair and face looked the same(Kind of crushed on the right side, but hey- if it wasn't for Tsunade, it would be a hell of a lot worse.). "Yosh! Indeed, I can see the flames of youth my hip rival once held in him inside this very same boy!" Looking over to who had said that(Like I really _needed_ to-), I immediately wished I hadn't. While not having ever seen him in real life before, I had seen him enough times in Kakashi's memories to know that I _sorely_ didn't need to.

Someone like _Gai_ was just that impressionable on even someone like Kakashi's trippy memories.

That being said, memories and real life are entirely different, and I soon found that out as I wished for a spoon to gouge my eyes out after taking one look at him. Luckily, though, I've seen enough of Gai in my nightmares to know _exactly_ how to handle him now-

"Hm? Did someone say something?"

Oh yeah- _that_ got him.

"Damn it, Kakashi! Even in death, you have somehow rubbed off your hip ways onto one of your relatives! But I'll show you! The power of YOUTH will prevail even above your damn hipness! I shall make it so, or so help me, I will-" "Alright, _can it_ , Gai." Looking over my shoulder(And subsequently stepping onto one of the chains of one of the cuffs holding the ANBU together so that none of them could get up properly-), I saw Tsunade walk in with a sheet of paper. "Ugh, don't see why anyone else could have delivered this, but whatever; the test results." Test results? "What test results?" "The ones that would show us if you are actually _related_ to Kakashi, you dumb ass. What else would it be for?" "Related to- wait, you mean a _paternity test_?!"

Oooooooh so not good.

"Not just a paternity test; this one would show if you are some distant relative or something else, too, instead of just being a father and child." Crap, crap, _crap_! I don't know if my blood is close enough to Kakashi's anymore to pass off as even a thrice removed cousin! Or even _worse_ , I don't know if my blood diluted _at all_ with the pass up in bodies, so I could have the exact same blood as Kakashi!

Yeah, trying to explain why I have the exact same blood as Kakashi was NOT in my to do list today!

Damn me and my boredom tempting fate!

"Wait- how did you even get my blood in the first place?!" I've made sure to never leave that shit just laying around(Past events have taught me _that_.), and I was basically an enigma around the village, so no one would have even a _skin flake_ let alone my blood! Tsunade just handed off the paper to the Hokage, who started reading with rapt attention as she turned back to me with a deadpan stare. "You got a little something, right here." She pointed at her forehead as I confusedly started rubbing at where she was pointing. "No, right _here_ -" "Right- oh, there we... Go." Forgot about that- "But still, you stole some of my blood? That's a bit sketchy, Tsunade-Hime. People might think you're stalking me-" "Or that _you're_ stalking ME and that I am just beating the everloving shit out of you for it." "... _Tooshy_." "I think you mean _touche_ -" "I know what I said." "Of course you do." She sighed and rubbed her temples as Minato finished reading the paper and handed it off to Obito, who started reading it along with Gai.

"Interesting." The Hokage leaned forward onto his desk and steepled his fingers together. " _Very_ interesting." The room was silent for a couple of awkward seconds before Tsunade decided to break it. "You have no idea what any of the things on that paper mean, do you?" "Not a single one." She just groaned and facepalmed as the other two occupants of the room(Not including the absolute shit ANBU that were still struggling to get off the ground with their wrists tied together-) leaned forward for an explanation as well. "It _means_ that he and Kakashi DO share some form of relation; and if the blood is anything to go by, it's a rather close relation. Which leaves three options- he is his son." Pausing, they looked over at me, and shook their heads. "Too old. So the other option, is that _he_ is Kakashi's father." Again, shaking of heads. "We already know Sakumo is his father, so that's out. Which leaves only one thing left-"

"We're brothers."

Everyone but Tsunade gasped at the revelation as they looked back at me. "I-Impossible! Sakumo only had one child before his wife passed, and that was Kakashi!" "That's true- he only had one child with his _wife_." The Hokage's eyes hardened as he looked me over. "Are we to assume-" "No, you are to _know_ , that Sakumo, after his wife passed, had another child, out of wedlock- and you are looking at him." I gave them an over dramatic bow.

"Please welcome the bastard child of the Shiroi Kiba of Konoha; Setsumei Hatake."

And the Oscar goes to: Mu Setsumei Uxukie.

"He had another child…?" Minato seemed in shock at that(Not sure why- pretty sure a quarter of ninja's out there have some form of child they had even though they didn't know about it.) as the other two people who were close to Kakashi in the room were speechless. "Eeeeeeeh, yes?" Okay, be more convincing than _that_ \- "I mean, yeah! He did! The sad part though, is he never knew about it; hell, even Kakashi didn't know about it immediately. It took us 15 years to learn about each other, at which point, we finally met." "Fascinating." Obito rubbed his chin as he took it all in. "And how did you two meet each other, exactly?" Hey, wait a moment-

"... Aren't you the Jonin-Sensei of the Uchiha heir and the youngest child of the Hokage?" "Huh? Oh, yes I am." "... And aren't they on a _mission_ right now, outside the _village_ , with ANOTHER of the Hokage's children?" "I don't really know how you figured that out, but yeah, they are." "... Then shouldn't you be WITH them?" The Uchiha just chuckled and waved me off. "Oh, calm down. Sensei's wife, Kushina, went with them instead while I lagged back here to complete a mission in ANBU that needed my skill set. Said something about wanting to go on her daughter's first mission outside the village, as well, so I just listened and let her take the reigns for a bit, nothing too bad. Besides-"

Oh no, here it comes- don't say, don't say it.

"It's just a C-Rank mission to some civilian country."

Don't say it, you Uchiha fuck-

"And they have not only the apprentice of Tsunade of the Sannin, but also the Akai Chishio no Habanero looking after them!"

I swear to god, if you say it, I am going to end you, Kakashi be damned-

"What could possibly go wrong?"

"Aaaaaaand he said it." I sighed as I facepalmed. Of course he said it, why wouldn't he? Uchiha's just _loved_ to tempt fate like that. "Anyway, back to my previous question-" He didn't get to finish because as soon as he said that, three small poofs sprang out across the office, all in different places. "Tsunade-Sama/Uchiha-Dono/Kid!" Three small summons appeared in the office as my eyebrow started to twitch.

Why the hell couldn't _MY_ summon ever be that respectful?!

"What the hell do you want, you mangy mutt." I muttered, depressed, to the dog on the floor as the other people and summons looked back in our direction. "Wow, he even has the Ninken of Kakashi! He actually IS the real deal!" Obito looked rather pleased and relieved as a crow perched onto his shoulder, while Gai and Minato had the same reaction Obito had, while Tsunade just looked back at her summon and started conversing with it. "Weeeeeeell, I have good news, bad news, and then horrific news. Which one you want first?" "You know I'm a masochist at heart, Pakkun; bad news first." "Right, well, you know that mission you gave to me and Guruko?" "To follow Naruko and her team to wherever the hell they were going to spy on them, yes." "Yeah, you see, there may have been some, _slight_ difficulties in doing that." "What, did you run run into some trouble or something? Are either of you hurt?" "Us specifically? No, we're fine. The team we were _following_ , however-"

"What do you _mean_ they were stopped by Zabuza Momichi, an ex-swordsman of the mist?!" Tsunade growled and the slug on her shoulder seemed to cower at that. "Yeah- that." Pakkun shrugged and moved on. "However, they were able to defeat him without too much difficulty- the only real damage done was a rather nasty looking cut on the eldest Uzumaki woman, but even then, it shouldn't be too bad. But the _really_ bad news here, is that-" "ZABUZA IS CALLING FOR BACK UP IN THE FORM OF HIS RAG TAG GROUP OF MISFIT SWORDSMEN FROM THE MIST?!" I slowly looked over to Pakkun who looked rather apologetic. "Rag tag, _how_ , exactly?" "Eeeeeeeh, something about, Raiga Kurosuki, Jūzō Biwa, Kisame Hoshigaki, and some other one I can't quite remember the name of." "K-K-KISAME HOSHIGAKI, THE TAIL-LESS TAILED BEAST, AND _OTHER_ MEMBERS OF THE SWORDSMEN OF THE MIST?!" Pakkun paused, seeming to think before nodding. "Yep."

I was near throthing at the mouth, now. " _And what the hell is the GOOD news_?!" The little dog seemed to perk up, before reaching into his pocket to grab something, and pulled out a tiny newspaper. "The good news, is that my horoscope told me I would meet someone interesting today- and I think one of the swordsmen of the mist counts as interesting."

"... I hate you, dog." "What do I care, I'm gonna be dead in a couple years." "Aren't you Ninken able to live for longer periods of time over regular dogs?" "Yes, but no one took into account me having to deal with your antics of stupidity, before, now have they?"


	4. 1 Uzumaki Plus Another Equals Help

**I seem to be having issues with writing, lately. So everything is getting updated a lot later than I wish it would, but nothing you can do.**

 **Especially when your chapter you write gets erased half way through and you lose the will to write on.**

 **Cause, you know- that shit sucks.**

 **Anyway, new chapter enjoy it.**

"Wait, aren't you the rower? I love your album!" "Kid, now is most certainly not the time to fangirl about some one hit wonder." "Speak for yourself- and wait a damn minute! It wasn't a one hit wonder! He's had lots of great hits!" "Yeah, on the HEAD." Tsunade snorted as our boat rowed to the shore of Nami no Kuni, along with a few add ons as well.

"Okay, I get Obito, he's their Sensei- but why did we bring along your other apprentice, and this guy-" "YOUTH!" "- as well?" "Same reason you brought along your little poppet, as well." "OI! The kid is not my- wait, how'd you know it was a girl?" "Are you telling me you _didn't_?" "Hey, not all women have your hooters to differentiate them from the opposite sex!" "I could have 'hooters' installed if you truly wished for it, Setsumei-Sama." "... You could do that?" "Yes." "NO!" "No?" "YES!" "No?" "YES- I mean no!" "Sooooo- yes?" "NO!" "YOUTH!" "GAI!" "Obito." "Obito?" "SHIZUNE!" "Hai, Tsunade-Sama?" "GET THEM ALL TO SHUT THE _HELL_ UP!"

"Don't bother, we're here anyway… Thank Kami-" "WOO! New village, new women to whore myself out to!" "Not if I have anything to say about it!" "Haha, silly Naruko- of course you don't have any say in it!" Turning away from the boat as it started to row back again, I was greeted by a steaming(And pouting-) Naruko as she fumed about my job. 'Must you _always_ be a man whore?" "Must? Yes. Want? Yes. Need? Hell no, but it pisses you off, so I do it anyway." "Oh come on, Sensei! What will people think once I marry you and become Kage? I can't just be known for having a sex fiend as a lover!" "Ah, but infamy is still famy, I always say." "One, you never say that, and two, that makes no sense-" "I believe it makes sense, flat ass." Naruko's hawk like vision zeroed in on my newest addition to the team.

Oh boy(Girl, whatever-), she is dead.

"Setsumei-Sensei, who is this?" "Well, that would be-" "I am Sai, Setsumei-Sama's new, how would he put it- bitch, flat ass."

Okay, now _I'm_ dead, too.

"Flat ass?! I do not have a flat ass! And like you're one to talk, you flat chested hussie!" "All the better to not be a large breasted, blonde bimbo like yourself, flat ass." Ouch- kitty got claws. "I am not a bimbo!" Naruko looked distinctly offended as she put a hand over her heart. "Setsumei-Sensei, tell her!" I sighed. "Sai, Naruko isn't a bimbo." "Thank y-" "She's a klutz, get it right." "Hai, Setsumei-Sama." "SENSEI?!" "What?" I shrugged. "It's true." "So even Setsumei-Sama agrees with me, oh my." "Uh, I didn't exactly say tha-" "OKAY, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE _DEAD_!" Rolling up her sleeves, she marched forward, red faced, pissed off, and ready to clock the shit out of a bitch(Oh damn it, I'm just confirming what Sai said!). But before she could reach her, I held out a hand and stopped her march. "Ease up, Naruko. You can kick her shit into next Tuesday _in person_ , after you show us the way." The clone just crossed it's arms and huffed. "I don't need to be boss to kick the hell out of some random hussies ass." "Yes, because I doubt you'd be able to beat me, even without being a clone." "WHY YOU-" "Naruko! House, now!" "Hai, Sensei…" She dipped her head with a depressed aura and slowly made her way down the path.

I turned to the others(Who either looked remotely uncomfortable, or were trying to hold off laughing their asses off.) and sighed. "See the shit I must put up with?" "Oh yeah, having two girls pine after you, soooooooo hard!" Obito grinned and walked passed me to follow his student out. "Yosh! Your red hot youth and the youth you fill these children with is fantastic!" "Gai, please don't word it like that." "But, Setsumei, brother of my eternal rival! It is glorious the amounts of Youth you rub off onto these kids is astounding!" "Gai-" "Your Youth is STRONG! And HARD! No one can break your Youth, no matter how many times they try!" "What are you doing-" "It is like you have an endless amount of Youth, and it just SPURTS out of you onto others without you even noticing!" "Gai-" "You must just fill them to the BRIM with your YOUTH!" "Please, stop-" "I must not be outdone by the brother of my long lost eternal rival! I must gush out my own YOUTH onto the children so that I may be as young and hip as you! And maybe one day, we can clash our YOUTHS like me and your brother used to!" Ew, ew, EW, mental image!

And with that, Gai was off.

"Well." "Yep." "That was vaguely… Uncomfortable."

Something is just telling me Obito was slipping that damn green beast a fifty right now-

"I can only take so much in one day- and being around you has used up that quota at least twenty times." Tsunade sighed and walked passed me while Shizune stiffly followed after her and stop before me. "Typical man- pervert." And then kneed me in the groin. "Ouch!" My voice was high pitched as Shizune 'Hmphed' and ran to catch up to her master while I knelt down on the gravel near the shore, clutching my jewels in pain.

"Never took Shizune as the feminist type…"

You learn something new everyday.

Like how grovel isn't nearly as soft as you'd imagined it would be.

"Okay, might not be whoring myself out as early as I thought I would be." I caught back up with the others and adjusted mini-me in my pants. "Good." Okay, I get enough of that from Naruko, and now I have ANOTHER one to worry about, too!

My anal virginity will never be safe…

"So, what's the situation in the village like, Naruko? I heard it's fairly terrible around these parts." "Well, you heard right. The village is in shambles because Gato- the guy who hired ninja to kill our client- is ruling over them with an iron fist." "Sounds tyrannical." "Sounds dangerous." "Sounds like a Friday night- uh, what?" Weird, I thought everyone took over villages to rule over every other week.

No? Just me?

"Anyway, I heard from Pakkun that you had a run in with some ninja that Gato hired, you and the others alright?" "Yup! Thanks to the boss, everyone made it out okay!" "Naruko…" "Okay, _fine_. The birthgiver and Teme helped out as well- but only a tiny bit!" "Birth… Giver?" "Naruko's name for Kushina." Before they had the time to question why, I moved on. "I also heard that Kushina got injured, how bad is it?" "Eh. I'm not really a med-nin like you, but from what little you taught me, she should be up and about by the time Zabuza's reinforcements arrive." "Hm. Of course." I glanced over at Tsunade, then switched my attention back to Naruko. "Right. From what I've gathered, we're going to need every able bodied person on this mission, as while all our focus will be on taking on the swordsmen of the mist, you Genin will be handling the client's safety- uh, Tasty, or whatever his name is." "Tazuna." "Yeah, whatever. And to make sure you ARE prepared to go against one of the mist swordsmen, I will be putting you under an extreme training regime that will last all week."

"Woah, woah, woah- you want one of my greenhorn GENIN to face off against one of the swordsmen of the MIST? Are you loco?! They'll be chopped to pieces in a matter of seconds!" "No, I don't want one of your Genin to face off against blah blah blah- but you have to face facts that it might really be a reality, and we need to train them just in case we all have our hands full and they have to hold some off until we can get to them."

Or until Naruko kicks their ass- one or the other, really depends on which ninja it is.

Speaking of which, though- what kind of ninja uses half the swords those bozo's use to fight with?

Most of them weigh more than me, and at least two are bigger than I am tall!

And one of them is made of SHARK SCALES that resonates whenever it finds a tasty food source!

Who did they think they were, Buster Blader?!

Ignoring that little tid bit for now, we all stopped as we finally arrived at the house. "Alright, pop so that the real Naruko know's we're here, and so she knows, remember to come out and show me where Kushina is so that I can look at her." Doing as told, the clone popped as I felt a glare aimed at the back of my head. "Who is- oh dear god, what is it now?" "Why do YOU- a MAN- have to look at our injured comrade? Do you not think that I or Tsunade- WOMEN- can look at her and have do just as good a job, or an even BETTER one? Huh? HUH?!" I blankly gazed at her before turning to Tsunade. "Cute kid you raised, there. Did you pick her up at Nadeshiko?" She sighed. "No. I just let her watch one too many pervert beatings in hot springs."

I caught another foot right between the thighs.

 _Again_.

"Nnnn! Just _one_?' "Around the ballpark of one and one hundred, yeah."

Damn you, Jiraiya!

"Sensei!" Naruko came crashing through the door at high speeds, basically being a blur as she launched towards us. "Naruko!" Obito laughed and spread out his arms, prepared to catch her, but was sorely disappointed as she passed him up to throw herself onto me. "I missed you sooooooo much!" "Well." I looked over at the frozen Obito who was still smiling with his arms spread wide, and eyes closed. "This is awkward."

On sooooooooo many levels.

"Now, where is your moth-" "Birth giver." "Your _mother_ -" "Birth giver." "God damn it kid, just show me where your damn mommy is so I can be on with my life!" "Birth giver." "GOD DAMN IT!" "Yeah, I should have also mentioned that she will not listen to what you say if you call Kushina her 'Mother'- only replies if you call her birth giver." "JUST SHOW ME WHERE THE DAMN PERSON WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU IS, GAKI!" "Oooooooooooh, you mean KUSHINA- yeah, she's in the room at the top of the stairs. First one on the right." Grumbling under her breath, something that suspiciously sounded like 'Foot in ass', Tsunade stormed off with her apprentice into the house. "Okay, while she's doing that, go get your other teammates so that we can talk about what we'll be doing for the foreseeable future." "Hai, Sensei!" Naruko saluted and leapt off into the forest to find the other Genin on her team.

Awkward silence in three… Two… One…

"Well, awkwardness aside, what ARE we going to be doing for the next week or so it will take for Zabuza to gather up his crew?" Obito asked as him, Gai, and me all started to plan out our next few days.

Wait, now that I think about it, where the hell did Sai go-

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FLAT-CHESTED WHORE!" "I know what you are, but why is it a blonde bimbo klutz with a flat-ass?" "GGGGGGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

That's one question answered, at least…

* * *

"Okay! We're all gathered together finally!" Clasping my hands, I rubbed them as we all stood out in a forest clearing preparing for the inevitable fight against some of the best swordsmen in the land(Not like it matters when we have the BEST one in the lands on our side(And no, it isn't Kushina, you impudent little shits.).) by training. "And now that we are, let us begin with-" I paused and looked down.

"Who the _hell_ are you?"

"Uh, Setsumei-Sensei, that's _Sakura_." I kept looking at the now sweating girl. "My _teammate_." I glanced over at a bored looking Uchiha child. "The one with _pink hair_." My stare continued. "The _annoying_ one." I looked at a fake smiling, pale Kunoichi. "Oh for- the FANGIRL!" I snapped my fingers. "Riiiiight- THAT one." Said girl slouched with a raincloud over her head. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah! Training!" At the word, everyone BUT said fangirl perked up(Surprise, surprise.) and started paying more attention to what was being said. "Look, I'm not gonna lie to you or sugar coat this; there is about an 87.20 percent chance that you girls will be facing off against an honest to god Swordsmen of the Mist. And considering that even the weakest member is considered an extremely powerful B-Rank Shinobi in the Bingo Book, this is _bad_ \- yes, Naruko, it is bad!" She put her hand down and pouted. "I won't say that you won't die- mostly because I don't think a lie is the last thing any of you will want to hear." "Setsumei!" "What? The mood here is _deathly_ boring, I thought I'd try to lighten it." "Not. Funny."

Everybody's a critic…

"Whatever. Anyway, to make sure you have at least a tiny bit of a smidgen of luck to somehow survive, we decided that instead of team training, you all need some individual work- cause, you know. One-on-one training yields better results faster, and all that junk." I waved a hand. "So, considering there are four of us, and four of you- don't think you're getting out of this _that_ easily, Sai- it only makes sense that we would come to this conclusion. And now, we get to figure out who's going where!" I grinned evilly and rubbed my hands together methodically.

This was going to be _fun_.

"Wait, isn't it obvious who's going where?" Naruko scratched her head quizzically. "I mean, I'm obviously going with you, Teme is obviously going with Uchiha-Sensei, Sakura has a knack for chakra control so she'd obviously go with the most experienced medic-nin here, and Sai's a bitch so she'd obviously go with Gai-Sensei."

It's so sad that training with Gai is considered a hellish punishment to Genin, these days.

Though I do give her bonus points for the backhanded compliment to Tsunade, though.

"Yes, that's obvious- so obvious, that we're going to switch things up to be NOT obvious." While everyone looked confused, I flicked four pieces of paper at the four Genin(Three caught them, and the other hastily hit the deck so that she wouldn't get slaughtered with a massive paper-cut… Guess who.). "Naruko, I know yours already, but for everyone else, just roll with it- those you have in your hands, are chakra paper. They will tell you the affinities your chakra has, and what jutsu you are best fit to use, and blah blah blah, just channel your dang chakra through the damn things." The kids did as told, and Naruko's split in half before one half burnt to a crisp and the other rolled into itself better than any stoner could get it to.

Not surprising, considering I already knew hers, so I watched the others instead.

Sakura's(Surprisingly, actually.) became damp and the edges started to turn to dust, while Sasuke's paper actually started burning and becoming ash while simultaneously crumpling in on itself, showing that her affinities were equally as strong, and Sai's… Kind of disappointed me, as it only turned to dust and flew away with the wind.

Though, that was actually kind of impressive in itself because it didn't even take a second to turn the entire paper to dust- and that dust was finely grafted, too, to boot.

"Okay, for those of you who don't know what that means: Naruko has a strong Wind affinity, with an only slightly weaker one with both Fire and Lightning, with Sakura having a slight affinity to Earth to go with her major Water affinity, while Sasuke has a strong affinity for Lightning and Fire, with neither actually seeming to be weaker than the other. Sai… Only has one for Earth, but I have to begrudgingly admit, that it is one of the strongest for that element I have ever seen."

In this life, at least.

I don't think Sai could create a giant wooden tree that throws patnies at me like Kol, could.

Though, speaking of Kol, he used to share the same name with the first Hokage, if I recall correctly… Though, I can't seem to recall my own birthday after that one Christmas party, so maybe I don't remember correctly.

Damn, that was one massive keg of eggnog.

"Sensei!" "Huh, what?" Shaking my head, I returned to reality. "Right, right. Training- okay, here's how it will go. Sakura, you have no discernable skills whatsoever." "True." Naruko nodded while Sakura winced. "You have no muscle at all, either, as you are about a 13 year old girl who has dieted about half her life, and has done no training outside of the Academy at all." "True." Sasuke nodded while Sakura flinched this time. "And you have no ass, nor do you have any boobs, as a 7 year old boy has bigger jugs than you- let's face it, at this point, you are more trap than girl." "True." Sai continued fake smiling while nodding, and Sakura was just withdrawn into her shirt at this point, poking her chest with a finger. "So it goes without saying that you need the most work of anyone here. And because of that, we're giving you the teacher that will get you results fastest- Gai." Sakura's eyes widened as she slowly turned from her position, only to be face-to-face with a grinning Gai. "Yosh! Do not worry, my little petal, for I, Gai Mighto, will have you in tip-top shape in no time!" Sakura twitched. "Otherwise, I will run around the village on my hands, declaring my incompetency for training you to the entire village!" She whimpered this time. "While NUDE!"

Pretty sure I heard a sob.

"... Moving on, Naruko, I work with you basically every day, so I know what you need to work on to improve." She nodded happily. "That being said, though, I work with you so much, that I am literally running out of things to teach you. So, I won't be teaching you-" I pointed at Tsunade. "But SHE will."

"WHAT?!" "Ex _cuse_ me?"

"Yep. Tsunade-" I nodded towards her. "Is possibly the best person in the world currently when it comes to chakra control and Iryō jutsu- the things YOU still need to work on the most." "I don't need that old hag to learn how to better control my chakra!" "Who are you calling old, you little shit?!" "Uh, YOU, obviously!" "Oh, I am going to enjoy wringing out your tiny little-" "ENOUGH!" They both stopped arguing and looked over to me. "Naruko, you know you need help with chakra control, because you can barely use the most basic of Iryō techniques- and don't get me started on Genjutsu!" She just turned and pouted. "And Tsunade, you know you have to help us teach, and Naruko is the next best student for you after Sakura, and considering she's unavailable-" "Yosh!" "-You have to help teach Naruko. And before you say anything, she really IS a good student once you set her on a task, and she is fast on the uptake, so you don't have to put in nearly as much effort as you think you would with her." Tsunade just grumbled and crossed her arms. "Plus she knows that if she misbehaves and you tell me, I'm going to make her life hell." Said girl just snorted. "Yeah, good luck with that-" "You know I can talk to Ayame and the girl who runs the Super Market and tell them not to sell any to you."

She suddenly appeared and latched onto my leg, sobbing hysterically.

"I'll be a good girl! I'll behave! I promiiiiiiiiiiise!"

Gets her every time.

"Right, and while I'm doing Uchiha Number 2 over there a favor and training his _other_ student, he's going to take the time to train my new disciple in a few jutsu, because I distinctly remember her having an issue with not having a variety, and also being EXTREMELY susceptible to Genjutsu!" "Wait, I am?" "Well everyone seems to be on board with it, so let's go!" Picking up the small, female Uchiha and carrying her fireman style(To which she started kicking and punching to try to get me to put her down-) while Tsunade grabbed Naruko's trembling shoulder as she shot her an evil glance and Shunshined out of the area, and Gai dragged away a hysterically crying Sakura, I waved at the Uchiha-Sensei before vanishing in a swirling vortex.

"... So, guess it's just me and you, huh?" "It would seem so, Dickless."

The head banging off a tree could be heard all throughout the forest.

* * *

"Alright, we're far enough now I think." And with that, I threw the girl down onto the ground like a sack of potatoes. "Was that really necessary?" Was asked dryly as she got up and dusted off her clothes. "Absolutely- not. Now onto important matters, did you memorize the kata's like I showed you?" "Yes." "That doesn't sound like 'Yes, yes I did, Sensei!' but more of a 'Yes, whatever, jackass.' type of 'Yes'." "I said I did it, alright?!" "Sasuke…" "Don't. You. _Dare_." "Don't I dare what?" I asked innocently as I slowly circled around the now twitching Uchiha heir. "Don't you _dare_ start." "Start what, conforming? Don't worry, Uke-Hime, I'm as nonconforming as can be." "I swear to all that is Uchiha, Hatake, that if you start singing-" "Well, I mean, you'd be nonconforming too if you looked just like me." " _HATAKE_!" "Got paint on on my nails, and make-up on my face, heck, I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs-"

That did it, as she finally blew a gasket, and with a face filled with red from rage, she yelled and started throwing punches my way. "Cause I feel real deep, when I'm dressing in drag, I call it freedom of expression, girls just call me a fag!" I blocked a punch and ignored a feint in favor of jumping back to avoid a leg sweep. "Cause the dudes look like chicks, and the chicks look like dykes-"I sidestepped a punch and flowed a palm that should have gone into my chest to the side, where it went harmlessly past me as she stumbled and I tripped her. Then I leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Cause Emo, is one step, below transvestite-"

I was then promptly punched in the nose.

"I AM NOT A TRANSVESTITE!" "Well those shorts and t-shirt certainly aren't doing you any favors, hunny." I replied as I put my nose back into place. "But moving on, I'll go ahead and take your word for it. Okay, if you've finished the kata, then, I believe it's time I got you started on at least a _few_ jutsu, so you have some variety." Her two tomoe Sharingan eyes spun and narrowed rapidly at that. "No." I took out a spray bottle and spritzed her with it. "Bad pussy, bad." "Why the hell do you have a-" She cut herself off and started sniffing. "This _is_ water, right?" "Well, it's not not _not_ water, at least." "... I need a shower." "Yeah? And I need a student who doesn't try to use her Doujutsu for everything to make life easier." I sprayed her again. "God damn it, I am not a cat!" "No, you're a _transvestite_ cat." "I AM NOT!" "Right, sorry- an EMO cat." "Hatake, there is only so much hate I can have for someone, please don't break the limit." "Danger Zone…" "What?" "Nothing! Anyway, won to training now, and- TURN OFF THE EYES, DAMN IT- we'll start by processing what you already know, so I can see what you need in your arsenal." She nodded. "Right. I know the basic Academy three, the Gōkakyū no jutsu, the Kage Shuriken and Kage Kunai jutsu, and the Hōsenka no Jutsu as well." "Hm. Okay then, continue."

…

"Oh please tell me you can continue." Now she just scowled and looked at the ground, pink tinting her cheeks. "You are LITERALLY a part of the biggest elemental jutsu using clan in the village- the heir, even! And that's all you know?!"

What were they teaching these kids in that village- how not to die until you could gain some kind of overpowered ability that just shits itself on your front porch?!

Though, considering I came here with some overpowered abilities already installed in this body, I can't really talk…

"Alright, that won't do. Not at ALL." "So, what? You going to allow me to use my Sharingan to copy as many jutsu as I can before Zabuza and his posse appear?" "Ha, ha ha! Nice try, but no. While I didn't expect you to know less techniques than Naruko had when we first met, we'll be doing this the old fashion way by me shooting jutsu at you until you learn to do it yourself." "Joy… Wait, didn't you and Naruko meet when she was _seven_?"

"... I'd answer that, but I don't want you going all Edgelord on me."

* * *

"Boss doesn't pay me enough for this." Clone Number 1 said to himself as he peeked through some trees to spy on Tsunade and her apprentice to see how well they would teach his student(Well, his best one, anyway.). "He doesn't pay you at _all_ , dumb ass. Now pay attention!" Clone Number 2 scolded as he looked through a pair of binoculars. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. But I have a question-" "Ugh. What?" "Why do you have a pair of binoculars if we both have bosses Sharingan eye?" "Well, it's not like it's a Byakugan, jackass! It can't, just, like, see all the way over there to where everyone's at!" "But, they're only, at most, fifty feet away." "Now that's easy to explain with a SHUT UP!"

"Okay, gaki. What did the other gaki teach you that I was the one that had to start teaching you things?" "Don't speak of Setsumei-Sensei like that, you old hag! He's infinitely better in everyway to you!" "Oh? Then why did he want ME to teach you chakra control and Iryō jutsu as well?" "I honestly don't know- I heard him mumbling something along the lines of 'Irritating blondes with huge knockers and large anger pools doing wonders for each other' or some such thing." "What?! I am not… Well, they ARE pretty huge." "I know, right?! I saw Sensei staring at them all the time when you weren't looking and now I want massive ones like yours so _I_ can get that much attention from him!" "Tch. Typical, perverted man- I don't see why you'd want someone like his attention." "Okay, ignoring everything wrong with that sentence- though I'm gonna have to have a talk to him about looking _and not touching_ \- with the way you're going right now, I wouldn't be surprised if you somehow got BIGGER than even me!" "S-Seriously?!"

Tsunade gestured to her impressive chest, then to Naruko's.

"I don't know if you know this already, but a lot of people believe that a woman's chest size coincides with the amount of chakra she possesses. The bigger _that_ is, the bigger THIS is." She poked her breast, causing it to jiggle a bit(Much to the delight of Clones 1 through 3- wait, GET BACK TO WORK, YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH!). "So, wait. If you have _no_ chakra, then- like Sakura- does that mean…?" "That she's likely to be flat chested for the rest of her life? Basically." "Then, does this phenomenon also affect the males, too?" "If you're getting at what I think you're getting at, I'm not gonna lie- like a horse." I didn't know where they were going with this, but I feel as if I should lock my door at night(Among the various other locks that I had already installed to make my room 'Naruko proof' that is.). "So I can really get jugs as large as yours if my chakra keeps growing?" "I'd say you're about halfway there already, kid- definitely bigger than I was at your age, at least." Tsunade grumbled under her breath. "But regardless! Let's hear what you can already do, chakra exercise wise, at least." "Hm, okay. Well, I know the Kunai balancing circus act, the walky up the tree thing, the walking on water like a prophet, uh, and I can do this-" Lifting a fist, Naruko slammed it right into the ground, causing the surrounding area to shake, birds flying off of trees and squirrels running away from the tremor as the ground underneath her fist cratered, making a colossal hole in the ground that spanned nearly the entirety of the clearing. "Holy, hell!" Tsunade exclaimed as she clung onto the tree she jumped to right before the tiny earthquake happened and where Naruko soon joined her.

Shizune- not so lucky in her unconscious form covered in dirt smack dab in the middle of the crater.

I like to believe it was karma for kicking me in the balls.

I also like to believe like I didn't know that it was actually Naruko's revenge against her for damaging what she considered 'Her' goods.

"I can't believe that little shit actually tried to reverse engineer my super strength like that- it's a dangerous technique and if done wrong, could scar the Tenketsu in the body permanently! What the hell was that idiot thinking trying to teach it to a THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD?!"

"Uh, not at all?" "That sounds like Boss, yeah."

"Hey, lay off him! He wouldn't attempt to teach me something he knew would harm me! Besides, he did it himself before he even thought about teaching me about it, and he worked it out just fine! Or so I believe, if what I heard about you losing to him back in Konoha is anything to go by…" "Oi! I did not lose! At worst, it was a tie- which it was not!" "Right. Like I was saying, he wouldn't try to do something so stupid if he knew I couldn't handle it. And I can! It's just…" Here she blushed and turned away from the woman. "I don't have the best control over my chakra, is all. Which is why he wanted you to help teach me in the first place!" Tsunade raised a brow. "Really?" "To be honest, he tried hiding the real reason why he wanted you to teach me, and why he wouldn't go into more than the basics of the technique with me, but I know- he doesn't trust himself to be able to teach me the technique properly, and is afraid that I'll be hurt if he messes up with anything, so he wants the best teacher for it possible to do it for him."

"Huh." Clone Number 1 turned to Clone Number 2. "Boss is a pussy." "Indeed."

She turned back and pointed at the older blonde. "But that's hogwash! He can do it! It's _me_ that can't do it…" Tsunade just rubbed the bridge of her nose and sighed. "I didn't sign up for this… Look, will you stop pouting if I say I'll help you learn to use the technique properly?" Naruko immediately perked up and grinned. "Would I! Also, can I learn that seal that's on your forehead as well while we're at it-" Face soon met ground as the Sannin punched the girl into the ground with a tick mark growing on said forehead.

"Don't push your luck, blondie." "Sure, Shodaime-Sama, I could go for a blondie right now..."

* * *

"So, how was Tsunade's glorious rack?" "Gloriously painful." Clone Number 3 cleaned his ears with his pinky as he sat down next to Clone Number 4 behind a bush. "Ahhhhhh yeah! Dude, you TOTALLY gotta send me the pic, later!" "You realize that later we'll be removed from this plane, and our memories will also be absorbed back into our original self, sitting inside his brain, slowly fading away from existence as the last of our marks in this world rot away right?"

"... But that memory of Tsunade won't go away anytime soon." "Oh most certainly not."

"So, what will we be doing today, dickless?" "Well, I'LL be trying to get you to stop calling me that, while _you_ work on the Keijūgan no Jutsu." "I feel as if you should be spending your time on something that isn't a useless endeavour." "Yeah, me too. But my dead best friends brother wants me to train you while he's training _my_ student, and I'll be damned if I don't do it!" "Setsumei-Sama has a brother? Intriguing. Does he have any other family members?" "No, none that I know of- then again, I thought his brother didn't have any either, but look who's here now." "Setsumei-Sama's here?" Sai(Still with a fake smile plastered on her face, by the way-) looked around and started primping herself up. "Do I look presentable to bask in the presence of Setsumei-Sama? Is my hair fine? Does this outfit make me look too impoverish? Is my butt plump looking enough?" Obito looked faintly uncomfortable as she continued peppering him with questions. "Erm, I meant metaphorically- he's still off somewhere teaching my cousin."

Sai made a sound of understanding and nodded.

"Right. The duck-ass transvestite." Obito physically recoiled at that. "Hey! She's does not… Well, she says she isn't a transvestite!" "And if you say you're not dickless, it means it's true?" "YES!" "A likely occurrence."

"She would make such a good troll." Clone Number 4 held out a bag. "Popcorn?" "Oh, yes please!"

* * *

"Man, beating the snot out of some Genin can _really_ tire you out!" "I hear that." Tsunade agreed while we all clinked our drinks together. "We are sitting _right here_." Naruko stressed as three of the kids awkwardly sat at the table with us, waiting for the meal to be done so they could eat. "Yeah." Tsunade took a drink. "We know."

"Why do you think we're doing it?" Obito amusedly asked as he gave a soft grin and also took a drink. "Mm. This is actually rather potent- where'd you get this?" "I actually traveled to Suna and Kiri for a bit, and while I was there, I picked up some exotic imports they only dish out to other countries. I think this one is, uh, 'The Desert Bloom', a wine that was made from concentrated cactus juice collected from cacti only in the harshest of desert conditions, and mixed with the water from an underwater oasis they use for their hot springs. Huh." "Wait, isn't it just cactuses?" "No, Obito, the proper Englishnese language clearly dictates that we go by ANOTHER language called Latin to tell us how to speak our words, because god forbid if we were to actually branch out, and it states that for words that end with 'Us', the plural is to then be formed with an 'I' instead. Such as Octopi, nuclei, or Jesi Christ." Obito looked confused. "So the plural of something like 'Plus' would be 'Pli'?" "The hell- no! Plus doesn't need a god damn plural because it's already pluralized! Who the fuck is gonna use 'Pluses' in a sentence, anyway? It's moronic and has no use!" "And yet you somehow need to pluralize 'Jesus' like there is more than one." Tsunade muttered as she watched her glass while she waved it in the air. "Hey, I'm trying to be sensitive to different cultures, here, and you're making it a pain in the ASS!" "Woah, do either of you see that zebra wearing a top hat in the corner over there?"

…

"I think you're done with the booze there, champ." "No, my name's not Steve, it's Obito!" "Phineas and Ferb references aside, I have a weird feeling that two days from now, we'll be having a face-off on the unfinished bridge with a few soggy ninja." "How can you tell, Sensei?" "Well, besides the fact that I'm the one writing this thing, everyone knows that in Anime logic, nothing is ever done in odd bursts of time- they wouldn't show up on the 4th or the 6th day, so they are liable to pop up exactly a week after the last time they showed themselves, ergo, since we've been at this for about 3 days now, it's already been 5 days, so in 2 more days it will be a week, and that is when they will strike."

"... What, the-" "No homo."

Okay, so maybe no more wine for _me_ , either-

"Regardless of these three's low alcohol tolerance-" "Wait, three?" "I'm counting the zebra, too- MY NAME IS NOT STEVE, DAMN IT!" "Maaaaaaaybe I should have started us out with the 'Natural Mist' and not the drink that's been known to cause hallucinations-" "REGARDLESS! I also have a feeling that in the next few, short days that we will be going up against the might of Kiri's best ninja, or ex-ninja, in this case, and we should all be prepared." "Indeed- though, speaking of prepared, where is Gai and Sakura?" "Gai-Sensei told me that he was going to camp out with Sakura, to, uh, 'Nurture her flames of YOUTH'." I grimaced at that.

I _almost_ felt bad.

"And Mito, is…?" "Right here." Said teen glared at me as she walked down the stairs, getting back from checking on her mother. "You still mad about the whole 'Look up your dress while you're on a tree branch' thing?" The fist that knocked me down into the table so hard that I immediately sprung back up told me her answer. "Ow." "Pervert."

It appeared Tsunade had Shizune train her more than she herself did.

 _Joy_.

"Also, Kaa-San wanted you, Shisou. Something about wanting to train with her daughters tomorrow for the oncoming battle and she needs your go." "Wooooooooah, my hand is like, attached to my wrist which is like, connected to the REST of my body!" "Yeah, she's completely out of it. I'll go look her over." Standing up, I was about to head on up to the room when a voice interrupted everyone.

"Why are you trying?"

We all looked over(Yes, even the drugged out Obito and Tsunade, who was at that point trying to get said Uchiha to drink out of her _breasts_ like a cup- okay, so maybe I stopped them a bit too late.) to the staircase to see a little boy in a bucket hat trembling from what I suspected was emoitus. "Trying to what? Eat, or stop Uchiha-Sensei form getting his shit kicked in when Baa-Chan finally becomes aware of what she's doing?" "I _mean_ , why are you trying to stop Gato, when all it will lead to is your DEATHS!" Not exactly wanting to deal with this(I was already dealing with the biggest emo in the world for these last few days, I couldn't handle anymore for the rest of the year.), I quickly made my way up the stairs, finding the room where the 'Birthgiver' was, as Naruko would say, and made my way in.

"Like it wasn't bad enough I had to live in the village where the emo capital of the world was, with an entire clan of them, but now I have to deal with this crap too- don't know why I even try." Shaking my head, I headed towards where the bed was and promptly sat down on the chair next to it. "Alright, Kushina, what seems to be the problem?" "Oh, Setsumei-Kun!" Kushina blushed and started playing with her hair. "I didn't know that you were going to be the one to come up here. I would have freshened up, otherwise!"

Somehow doubt that, considering you didn't even need to be in BED at this point, but decided to stay there on your own volition once you met who your doctor would be(Obviously me, because Tsunade refused to go near her after hearing how much blood there would be- oh sure, she would healed Kushina herself if the need arised… But when you had about three other medic nins, with one of them being the next best medic after herself in all of Konoha, there really was never a need that arised.).

Yeah, there's this that I had to deal with, too.

Like daughter, like mother…

"Kushina, you've been bedridden for a week, now, and you are only wearing a pair of sweatpants and some gauze across your torso with a blanket covering you- 'Fresh' is a foreign concept to you at this point." I deadpanned as I started up the Shōsen and ran it across the(Once large and deeper than one of my famous Triple D pizza's, but now looked shallower than a paper cut-) wound on her that spanned nearly the entirety of her upper body, and was covered in fresh gauze as well. "Sweatpants? What sweatpants?" She asked confusedly as she shifted on the bed. "You know, the pants that-"

A pair of grey slacks flew over my head and across the room.

"-Are now not on you. Are you at least wearing underwear under that blanket?" She paused. "What kind of underwear did you like again?" "The kind that actually _covers_ the things that shouldn't be seen by others." She shifted again. "O-kay! Let's move this along now!" Clasping my hands together, they blew up in a green aura as I started giving her a check up. "Hm. Well, everything seems to be in order, for now." " _Everything_ -" "ALMOST everything."

She pouted.

"Would it help my chances if I said I liked it rough?" "Would it help my chances of getting out of here if I said yes?" "Not really, no." "Then no, it doesn't." "Darn…" "Anyway." Letting up on the jutsu, I got up and stretched. "It looks like you're nearly healed now, and within about two days you'll be sent off with a clean bill of health. As for the training, I don't know when exactly the terrorists will strike, so I'd like everyone prepared when you're finally healed again, which means you'll only have tomorrow to train whoever it is in whatever it is you want to train them for." "Terrorists? Do you really think we can categorize them like that without causing a massive uproar about misconstruing words and wrongfully putting titles on people that don't really fit them?" "Well, they _are_ here to stop the bridge from being built, so I'd expect there to be a bomb or two, at least." I shrugged. "So let's just call them Osama Jr.'s and be on with our lives already. Besides, it's not like failing to put proper titles on them is as bad as misconstruing the term 'Gay'."

I shuddered.

Never again…

"I guess. But onto our previous topic, I can still train my little bundles of joy-" 'Bundles of Joy' is not the term I would coin when looking at either of her children. "-tomorrow though, right?" "As long as you don't strain yourself too harshly, no, I don't see why not." "Great!" Her eyes started glinting.

Oh dear lord, whenever an Uzumaki woman's eyes glint, that always means trouble-

It seems to be always pile itself onto me, too, for some reason..

"Because if I can't do anything taxing, that just means _you'll_ be doing all the work for me!"

* * *

"Note to self, never make any decisions after drinking Suna brand alcohol." I adjusted the fox tail(Yes, I was wearing a fake fox tail- don't ask me where that conniving woman got it from, because I really didn't want to know.) at my hips as I shuffled awkwardly in the middle of a forest. "Ah, don't be that way, Setsumei-Kun!" I yelped as the matriarch of the Uzumaki clan slapped my cheek(The _lower_ one, sadly.) and walked over to a mortified Mito and a… Drooling Naruko. "I'll be whatever I want to be, and- WHY AM I DRESSED AS A PROSTITUTE ON LADIES ONLY NIGHT?!" "Whaaaaaaaat? You're not dressed as a prostitute!" "A pair of red fox ears, a red bow tie, _no shirt_ , some dress pants, with a fox tail, and you think I'm not dressed like a prostitute?" "Nope. Besides, this was the only way I could get Naruko to join in on the training!" I somberly looked over at where Naruko was now taking pictures in various positions.

Self note: Kick own ass for getting us into this situation.

"What the hell kind of training is this, anyway?!" Surprisingly(Or not so surprisingly, I suppose.), Mito decided to finally speak up as she looked absolutely nearest to catatonic one could get without actually going into said state. "What is this supposed to teach us-" "Oh, relax, Mito-Chan." "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RELAX WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SHOOTING WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE FAKEST PORNO THE WORLD'S EVER SEEN?!"

I could have sworn I heard Naruko mutter 'I don't know _how_ that doesn't relax you…' from across the field.

"We're not shooting a _porno_ , sweety-" A quick glance and a shake of the head confirmed this for the oldest Uzumaki. "Sadly." "MOM!" "What? Sorry, got a little distracted. Anyway, we're here to play a fun training game!" I raised a hand. "In what way is this training, and/or fun?" "Well, it's training, because we will be working on a little technique of mine that involves pointy, _large_ , objects that all women love-"

Oh dear god, I can barely fight off Naruko when she comes after Mini-Mu. I don't think I can handle it with THREE Uzumaki after my sacred jewels.

"-And that object is swords!" Oh thank Satan, there is a devil. "And we'll be using those objects to try and target, while subsequently destroying the ears, bow, tail, and _pants_ of that cute little fox over there!" Oh dear Satan, that devil's name is Kushina-

"Uh, excuse me, but WHAT?!" "Now the technique has been handed down in the Uzumaki clan as long as my great, great grandfather has lived, and I believe now is an excellent time for you two to learn as sisters!" Sharp weapons that could potentially miss and neuter me? A technique from the clan she despises? A teacher who happens to be an ignorant mother that Naruko hates with a passion? No way Naruko would agree to this-

"I'd like to learn this."

There goes my hopes and dreams of being a porn star.

"Naruko?!" "Sorry, Sensei. But while I _loathe_ that woman, she is my only ticket to learning about the Uzumaki, and while I currently hate all the existing ones at this moment, I'll have kids with you at some point, and I want them to know as much about their heritage as possible!" Naruko whispered to me as Kushina brought out an average silver katana and handed it to Mito(Who at this point was passed the point of arguing and was just grinning and burning a hole in my pants that _sorely_ wasn't needed.). "And you're _sure_ it has nothing to do with me hitting on the fisherman's wife?" "Well, it didn't _before_." And just like that, I just signed up for my own neutering operation. "Alright, time to teach my kids about their heritage. Oh, this is so grand! Teaching my beloved children all about our clan and it's techniques!" She sniffed and wiped an eye. "It's enough to bring a tear to my eye!"

"Yeah." I gave a look at Naruko's exceptionally long and sharp blade that she meticulously started drawing from it's sheathe. "Brings tears to my eyes, too."


End file.
